Being an adult

Its been a while again. I haven't had much to talk about. I'll get to why.

Yesterday, I was bringing my child to school and had this feeling like I was an actual adult. I just turned 27 years old about two weeks ago. Up until that point I felt like I was a ruse of an adult, not sure if I'm normal in that feeling.

Maybe its "old age" (I know, I'm still young) and all. but literally its like that conscious decision. I've got a few grey hairs. I've got some wrinkles, none of that made me feel as "adult" as I did yesterday. The weight of "how did I get here" finally resting on my shoulders. Maybe its the inching close to my one year mark. It could be the scheduling of my first invasive medical procedure (above and beyond physical therapy and medications).

We scheduled my procedure back just after I wrote my last post. I've been trying not to think about it, about whats coming. About being dependent. I feel like I've finally achieved a bit of life. Yes it consists of PT and carting kids to school. I don't mind, I think, in fact, I'd enjoy it even more if I could take Little to the park and make friends.

Tomorrow I'm having injections. Reflecting on everything that has gone on and my own research makes me feel as though they wont work. However my anxiety is so sky high. What if it works? why could things not work out so that I could have LIVED this last year? What if they don't? Are we heading for something more serious? And the thought of another year of this makes me feel so sad.

Tonight I pick up help, and my mother in law is coming. I have read so much about these procedures. Some people they help, some people they don't, and in some cases they cause more pain. We have (through PT) gotten my pain down SO MUCH, I don't want to go back to bed ridden. I don't want the sympathy or the glances. There are so many more complex emotions involved in this than I could imagine- I think than anyone could.

I think, if I compared it to the biggest "medical complication" (s) of my life- the birth of my two kids. that this has so many more unsure emotions, so many more emotions.