I just don't want to life.

It's been a month since my follow up. The medication they put me on for the nerve pain makes me wheeze. The medication he gave me for pain doesn't work. I just hurt so much. 

The husband has had to take on more of the "heavy lifting" or work. We have started marriage counseling because we are not coping as a couple. 

And explicit warning- I can't even give myself an orgasm anymore because the positioning makes my nerves hurt. 

The claims adjuster sure has taken her time to approve the surgeon consult. 

Socialization is for the birds!

I can't bring myself to want to socialize. I mean, literally I have nothing to talk about. I spend a lot of time alone. I read the news- but politics are rubbish to talk about. Nobody cares about my Minecraft or WoW achievements. I just feel so, blah. 

I know right now I should be leaning on my friends for support and a sense of normalcy. But they get to do all the fun and exciting things and I'm over here playing spider solitaire (literally). It's hard not to feel judged, which leaves me with sometimes crippling social anxieties. 

My husband and I have recently started getting "involved" in a church. But in not really sure what you would call it. I've sold The Husband to the orchestra, and we visited a Sunday school class. Really I've been just trying to act normal. Find normal reasons to not bake cupcakes or help out in the kitchens. It's really work to hide a condition like this. 

So here I am. Another day alone. Another day surviving after the failed epidural. Another day dreaming of life after pain or life before pain. 

Regrets.

As I lay with my little tonight at bedtime, I realized how awful of a mother I am to him. I can't do much with/for him. He suffers most from my pain. I totally blame this on this injury, on this stupid pain. Why me? Why can't I have my life? What did I do to deserve this? Am I that bad of a person? 

The procedure failed. I'm worse now than before. I feel like my life is over.

Days passing.

I feel 100% truly alone. 

In a few days I'll be doing a round of epidural injections because my facet injections did not work. But I am alone. I'm a ball of stress and anxiety over the procedure. I have no friends to hang out with to distract me. I hurt to much to sufficiently let the kids distract me. Talking to my husband about it only makes it worse. 

So here I sit. Alone. In bed. In a house full of family. My body in complete terror of a procedure that is days away. I can't cry about it, I can't stop my body. Everything is just running away. 

Being an adult

Its been a while again. I haven't had much to talk about. I'll get to why.

Yesterday, I was bringing my child to school and had this feeling like I was an actual adult. I just turned 27 years old about two weeks ago. Up until that point I felt like I was a ruse of an adult, not sure if I'm normal in that feeling.

Maybe its "old age" (I know, I'm still young) and all. but literally its like that conscious decision. I've got a few grey hairs. I've got some wrinkles, none of that made me feel as "adult" as I did yesterday. The weight of "how did I get here" finally resting on my shoulders. Maybe its the inching close to my one year mark. It could be the scheduling of my first invasive medical procedure (above and beyond physical therapy and medications).

We scheduled my procedure back just after I wrote my last post. I've been trying not to think about it, about whats coming. About being dependent. I feel like I've finally achieved a bit of life. Yes it consists of PT and carting kids to school. I don't mind, I think, in fact, I'd enjoy it even more if I could take Little to the park and make friends.

Tomorrow I'm having injections. Reflecting on everything that has gone on and my own research makes me feel as though they wont work. However my anxiety is so sky high. What if it works? why could things not work out so that I could have LIVED this last year? What if they don't? Are we heading for something more serious? And the thought of another year of this makes me feel so sad.

Tonight I pick up help, and my mother in law is coming. I have read so much about these procedures. Some people they help, some people they don't, and in some cases they cause more pain. We have (through PT) gotten my pain down SO MUCH, I don't want to go back to bed ridden. I don't want the sympathy or the glances. There are so many more complex emotions involved in this than I could imagine- I think than anyone could.

I think, if I compared it to the biggest "medical complication" (s) of my life- the birth of my two kids. that this has so many more unsure emotions, so many more emotions.

The End of the Beginning - part... I lost count!

My first appointment of the week comes. I literally have spent the weekend in tears. She says again "I really don't know what is normal because you've been in pain so long"

And she has me do these weird routines. That hurt. Shes accelerating not slowing down.

Here is my bind: I have a work place injury. How do you refuse care that potentially could help you when the whole time your provider is being useless?

Well it all works out.

She has me do these moves that use resistance and that I can feel my back hurting. They are to strengthen- not to help the pain- I can see that now. I wish I knew all the names but I don't. The Blonde One encourages me to keep going, keep hurting.

So, I do as best I can. Until the next day, I see my doctor. The case worker is there. We discuss my pain and progress. My doctor pushes injections. I beg them to wait until after Big starts Pre-K so I can have an easier time managing care for them. They give me 3 weeks of PT to get the pain better and then we will see the doctor and schedule the injections.

This brings out some points. My doctor is under the impression that my pain is my Facet Joints- google it, but its a part of the spine. Thing is my pain is not really consistent with that. With facet pain, from what I understand, leaning back will make it worse. Well when my pain got a bit better at the beginning, leaning back pain also went down, but my twisting pain did not go away.

 I have my apprehension about the injections. I kind of feel like I'm being shoved in this direction. I think having a bad physical therapist did not help any. After my appointment I made more and was able to switch therapists- thank god. I also did put in a complaint about the Blonde One. I think I could have handled the personality trait issue if my pain wasn't being ignored.

Funny thing is, her last appointment with me she was all happy and attentive. My fingers are crossed that with the new PT that my pain will go away- or diminish. that way we can hold off with the injections.

Trains and Things.

So at my last appointment I asked my therapist if I should be OK taking my sons to a train show.

She says yes, pull the confidence line and all that good stuff.

Well she was right, I did do OK at the show. Part of it was because Big stopped to watch the train displays and Husband was doing most of the manning.

I cant tell you how overwhelming those shows are. We got Big some more trains for his Thomas the Train collection (BoCo, Fire Engine, Scrap car, and Sir Hat in his car) and also got him the start of his model trains we knew he would get into. His "Big Trains"

I learned how to make trees, and how the fanaticism goes. Some of the older generation were very willing to help us with our young conductor (and we are grateful for it) My father is picking out the engine, We have the control, the track, some cars and Big is looking forward to the big day when we put it all together.

This truly marks a bench point I've reached in my treatment. I can get out, they want me to. It hurts to do it, but that little bit of push to see how far I could go (which was no farther than I had been) was enough. It made me feel like I can have life again. Like maybe- there is something after this.

Its not like I ran a marathon or anything. I just walked a fairly small (school gym sized?) auditorium full of trains with my 3.5 year old (and his brother) Both of the kids got very overwhelmed so fast. There was so much input into their brains you could just see sparks coming out of their ears.

I'm still in awe of how I did. Its like tasting freedom. You don't realize how much you are a slave to your body until you count the things you cant do anymore.