Parenting In Pain

It wasn't suppose to be like this.

I'm in my mid 20's. I'm in pain every day hanging by a thread with a combination of over the counter pain killers and narcotics. My evenings are a haze of wine and drugs created by the stress of parenting and the never ending pain.

My husband asks me how many spoons I've used today. What is my modified pain today. I wait for emails telling me what my future holds. I try and calm the worries of my mom 1,200 miles way.

I grit my teeth during church. I sit and stand with everyone else and I sham during the service trying to hold still and hold my pain in. I hear about half of the sermon- the other half I'm lost in conversation with myself over how long I can sustain church. I need it though so I grit my teeth. Reminding myself I did 8 and 5 hours of non medicated labor with my boys- I can do a 2 hour church service.

I dread the thought of picking up my youngest child. When people (not knowing about my back problems) hand me my child I die. I want to just throw him down. Holding him at my longest capability (maybe 2 min?) makes me cry later. Increases the drugs and wine needed to get to sleep.

I was suppose to running by now, picking out a half marathon for 2016. Mudrella? Which state? Should I run with the kids in my jogging double? I should not have gained 25+ lbs by now. I should have lost all my seconds baby weight and looking at loosing everything from my first.

6 months ago I started a journey of pain and brokenness. I've been searching (since my diagnosis was narrowed and identified) for resources for parents who are in pain- there are none. None that I can find.

KNOW I'm not the only parent in pain. A relative of mine was telling me about her chronic pain and she stays home with her child too. She also has to start her day with pills. So why isn't there more? Another friend told me that I should blog. So I'm going to. Anonymously because I need to get it out. I need to talk and I hope to help someone else.