Church has become my measure of my week. Its soothing to sit for an hour doing nothing. The kids have fun in their classes and I only have to listen (and check the board for my kids numbers- but so far they have behaved!)
This last Sunday was a war.
The day started and I didn't move out of bed. I had a slight ache but I know the second I attempted to move it would start. My Husband let me sleep in- which was nice. Eventually he came up and my Big was with him- he put the Little down for a nap and I got up to try and put on clothes. I bought myself this cute maxi dress and I wanted to wear it. Now where is my strapless bra?
No idea, I hardly have my feet on the floor and I'm already feeling like I need a cane. I hold onto anything I can get my hands on while I start my search. My husband offers to let me stay home and he will take the boys to church. I decline- I strive to keep my independence and Church is not like a trip to the park.
Within 10 min the pain is unbearable and I have to lay back down. My big comes over (because my husband is in the shower) and says to me "Mommy get up- we have to get ready for church" I assure him I know I just need a rest- he persists "Mommy get up!" I proceed to attempt to distract him with a toy or a task. It works- he runs off.
I lay in bed- should I go? Yes- I need to. I'll bring the strong stuff and if I need to I'll take it. I do another brief search and abandon hope for the dress. I pick out a pair of jeans and a nice shirt and Cammi. Husband dresses the children. They look decent- I don't really care since I'm still battling to stay upright. I take 3 over the counter pain pills as we head out the door for our routine.
We stop for breakfast- it takes a half hour to get to church. On the way there I pop a Tramadol since the other stuff didn't do a thing (not that I expected it to). I hold the walls as we go in, my husband drops me off at the door with the Big. He stays by my side- I really think he knows what is going on. We get in, and seated after a chaotic drop off and then begins the up and down's.
I comment to a family member that I feel like we stand and sit more than one does in a catholic service. Most weeks I don't mind. I'm usually slow and the movement eases my back. I do most of the service frigged as I'm afraid if I move it will trigger pain. This time its worse. when the preacher starts preaching I take another Tramadol and am in tears the whole service from pain.
Is this how church is going to be from now on? I'm afraid to go back. Post- incident even as I write this no amount of prescription or over the counter pain medication is touching my pain. Is church over for me? How can I possibly hope to care for my children wholly if I cant even make it to church. I'll continue to go for as long as I can- but how long will that be?
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