To My Husband

Dear Husband, 

 

In the almost 7 years we have been together we have seen a lot. Before we were even married we dealt with the death of a parent, then we got married, we sold property, we dealt with job loss, moved cross country, and then we dealt with our own marriage mistakes. In marriage counseling once we were told we "have done in our first year of marriage what most deal with over 10 years". We have been through a lot. 

 

Somedays divorce does cross my mind- its frustrating being in a relationship with you. We have been married almost 6 years and some days I feel like you just don't love me anymore. We have two kids and I'm fairly confident they are the glue that keeps us going even though we are having a hard time. 

 

I'm sorry that this happened to me. Statistics show that we are more likely to have problems because I am sick. I'm sorry that I have left you to meet the physical needs of our kids while I lay in bed wishing and praying for healing or death. I'm sorry that when I'm in pain I lash out- really I'm like a wounded puppy- and I'm sorry you have to pick up where I cant do anymore. I wish I could be different and I wish I could change the day that changed my life. I'm not a time lord, there is no T.A.R.D.I.S to take me back so I can stop myself. 

 

Its honestly not fair. This was not suppose to happen. You, having a broken late 20's wife. I feel some days like I'm wasting and will waste this year away. I have told you I had goals before this happened. I was suppose to spend Nov and Dec walking, and pick up running in Jan, and by April be looking for a short marathon to run in the fall. I wanted to loose the 50lbs of baby weight I've put on since we've got married. I wanted to be a mom to our kids, and your wife. I wanted to plant a veggie garden and spend the summer teaching our Big about weeding and growing things in the dirt. I wanted to take Big and Little to playgroups, museums, parks, and road trips. I wanted to go camping and bike riding. I wanted them to love animals and their care. 

 

This isnt happening. This is not where I saw us.. You working, me home with the kids. Cooking dinner when you get home. Craft projects for the kids and me. Learning canning and preserving. It never happened. And I'm sorry you're left with an angry, depressed and wounded wife. I'm not much fun anymore, I really get that. 

 

Its hard to let go of parenting when your spouse is so different from you. I have patience but you have structure. I worry about my kids growing up with out knowing that they are truly and unconditionally loved. I worry about them growing up to be good people. Now- I'm faced with leaving that task to you in a certain sense. It scares the shit out of me. I'm not the type to give up control- I micromanage to much. I hate asking for help because I feel like people cant help me the way i want. 

 

I get that you are frustrated with my stubbornness. I'm sorry. But please know with out those kids I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. I wouldn't do much at all. I know I was told to keep moving- but moving hurts so much. If it was not for our Big and Little's bright smiles and love I dont think I would get out of the house even. Those two truly keep me going. 

 

I guess all of this is to say- I get it. I just wish you understood me more right now. This process is painful, this process is humiliating and humbling. Please be patient with me. Please don't leave me because I'm hurting. Please don't stop loving me because of this injury. Because in the end- I do really need you right now. I know I'm awful at saying it. And I should probably tell you- but I can't.

Bear with me dear. Please.