Socialization is for the birds!

I can't bring myself to want to socialize. I mean, literally I have nothing to talk about. I spend a lot of time alone. I read the news- but politics are rubbish to talk about. Nobody cares about my Minecraft or WoW achievements. I just feel so, blah. 

I know right now I should be leaning on my friends for support and a sense of normalcy. But they get to do all the fun and exciting things and I'm over here playing spider solitaire (literally). It's hard not to feel judged, which leaves me with sometimes crippling social anxieties. 

My husband and I have recently started getting "involved" in a church. But in not really sure what you would call it. I've sold The Husband to the orchestra, and we visited a Sunday school class. Really I've been just trying to act normal. Find normal reasons to not bake cupcakes or help out in the kitchens. It's really work to hide a condition like this. 

So here I am. Another day alone. Another day surviving after the failed epidural. Another day dreaming of life after pain or life before pain. 

Regrets.

As I lay with my little tonight at bedtime, I realized how awful of a mother I am to him. I can't do much with/for him. He suffers most from my pain. I totally blame this on this injury, on this stupid pain. Why me? Why can't I have my life? What did I do to deserve this? Am I that bad of a person? 

The procedure failed. I'm worse now than before. I feel like my life is over.

Days passing.

I feel 100% truly alone. 

In a few days I'll be doing a round of epidural injections because my facet injections did not work. But I am alone. I'm a ball of stress and anxiety over the procedure. I have no friends to hang out with to distract me. I hurt to much to sufficiently let the kids distract me. Talking to my husband about it only makes it worse. 

So here I sit. Alone. In bed. In a house full of family. My body in complete terror of a procedure that is days away. I can't cry about it, I can't stop my body. Everything is just running away.