Mommy Down

I remember the days when I could be independent. I could rear my kids and do projects all in the same day. Cleaning a 2000 sq foot house was nothing. Dishes, laundry, sweeping and catch with my Big and Little.

Now?

I'm in bed- watching an episode of Dr Who by myself while my kids are out with others. I was up last night because my Little vomited in bed 5 times last night and he needed a hug. I got on the floor to hug him and the pain was so intense that I got that cold feeling and felt so sick. I went to the bathroom and composed myself and went back to bed.

I've kind of been here ever since. Emotionally I feel defeated. 6 months ago I could hold my Little. I could crouch down and hug my Big. I could be a wife to my husband and I could manage the kids. Now.. now I'm a potato. I cant do anything. I can sit still propped up by pillows. I feel like my entire 26th year of life is a waste.

I am blessed to have done so much and had the life experiences I had in college and beyond. I have done and dealt with a lot. I know I need to stay positive that I will walk again. But some days in my inability to do things I just want to die. This is (of course) a secondary effect to long term pain. Many who suffer with long term pain succumb to feelings of hopelessness and depression. I mean- being in the middle of it, God knows its easy. My entire life has been full of activity and challenges this is just one of them.

So sitting here I set lofty goals for myself. I need to make it to my appointment next week.
In 1 year (next spring) I want to be pain free. And begin walking again.
in 18 months I want to begin running.
in 2 years I want to do a marathon or something of the like.
in 3 years (2018) I want to be back to my pre pregnancy weight, I want to be ready to start trying for our next child.

I want this moment- this challenge in my life to be a blip. A small part of my story. Something that I gloss over in conversation with people. Something that is not what my life is all about.

I will be able to pick up my kids some day. I will be able to walk, and run some day. I wont be confined to this bed forever.