Deck the therapist.

So my last physical therapy update I was shrugged off and dismissed right?

Well I had to move an appointment because my big woke me up with vomit. JOY.

Let me set the stage. Husband had gone to work super early, taken Little to daycare, and Big had climbed into bed with me. Big asked Husband for some milk, Husband got said milk and James drank it. Sometime early in the morning Big starts coughing (he's had that cough for a while) and I'm all "its ok, go back to sleep" when he's all "no mommy, I'm puking" and then he vomits all over me, the bed, the sheets, the comforter, blankets, etc.

G-R-E-A-T morning.

So I call the PT office to move everything since I don't know if it was a bug, the milk, or he stuck his finger down there or anything. Don't worry, Big is ok! But I got to see a different PT for my 3rd visit. And he had me do the clam-shells and these other things but this time, he had me use weight (or resistance) And I felt fine during. But after, when I went to take James to the park I started to feel awful. And that started me being in significant pain, because you see, after my previous appointment I was in some pain- but it was a better average pain not a bunch of spiking overwhelming sudden type pain (if that makes sense? I'm not always sure).

Please note that all these sessions are done in one room- so while they are working on me, they are also doing others.

Later that week I tell the Blonde One that hey, this is hurting pretty bad- but only after she just set me on my routine while she attended to another girl and gossiped about true detective for about half of the session time. Well Blonde One reiterates that the pain is normal, shes not sure what to do for me but just keep going. So I'm left with nothing.

And then this guy (he's not a PT but an employee doing eval's for companies) tells this story about the bumble bee. I'm not sure of its origins but it goes something like this:

A professor asks his students for the final exam to explain how bumble bee's fly using formulas (this is some sort of specific class Physics? Aerodynamics?) So the end of the semester comes and nobody can explain it and the professor basically says "because it (the bee) knows it can"

Of course this guy tells it so much better than my measly little blip- but it related to this girl (I'll call her true blood girl) and he basically said when she first came in she lacked confidence, and now that she had it she was doing so much better)

Well after that little heartfelt moment she comes over to me and basically we are talking about the walking she wants me to do- and I was all well it hurts after so many feet. She turned to me and said, well you heard that story- you cant walk a mile at 2-blank because you lack confidence. there is no good reason for you to  not be able to walk a mile. I'm (she said 30 something- so she's a blonde single crazy cat lady- haha) and blah blah blah.

I don't even think I can tell you how much I hated her.

I'm in my mid 20's and went from a lifestyle of hiking with my husband and kids, I would stand for 10-12 hours straight. I could hold my infant son, I could kick a ball, I could run, I could walk, I could climb, I could sit in an office chair and play a video game. I could do my fucking dishes (Seriously, do you know how many dishes a family of 4 produces??)

I. Do. Not. Lack. Confidence.

I carried two kids to term, and gave birth with out medication while working 50 hours a week. I endured pitocin with no painkillers, I endured threats of demotion while pregnant, I endured tears to my ligaments and groin with mt first pregnancy because I was trying to measure up. I endured constant down talk from customers, invasive personal questions from strangers. I have done things I dont even think 30 year old physical therapist barbie could imagine.

I do not, in any way, lack confidence.

I now know I lacked a competent physical therapist.

I go to the park as ordered to walk the loop with my Big.

How to Sell a House

We finally sold the house we lived in. Which is awesome- there is no going back.

It was pretty stressful including Husband having to run to home depot to buy two new fire alarms 5 min before closing. The guy they had was an idiot- we still have to go to a notary and get this form signed because they misspelled the buyers names. Guy was a douche- if you need a lawyer not to use, he is top of my list. I never got to see the house finished though.

But anyway! So that is a hell of a lot of money we are no longer wasting. I ended up having to consult a lawyer because there was someone involved trying to prevent the sale- because she thought our buyers were weird- reported that shit to the state!

We ended up spending a week and a half total at home (as I will call it) We got to see most everyone, but not everyone.We got to do train rides and fireworks. It was a great experience.

It was so weird going back we had forgotten we had moved away. For Husband it has not been as long as it was for me. However we found ourselves trying to drive back to our old house, which was not far from where we were staying.

There are somethings I'll miss- like fall and winter. However there is a certain amount of drama that I will not miss. Also I don't think I'll be making the trip again any time soon. It was gruesome on my body and mind. There are only so many hours parents can spend in a car with kids.

We left, quiet literally, right after my last appointment. Drove through the night (encountered a trucker who's wheel had popped and he crashed into rocks, setting his cab on fire) and got home very and utterly exhausted.

Grandma's bed was so stinking hard. and after a few days the grandparents got grumpy so we took the kids away to a hotel and took them to story land- where I basically rode the train with James the whole time!

I experienced cold I haven't seen in months. Wore sweat pants and a sweater outside- because burr. Tasted coffee at my old store- it was gross, and got a night away from the kids. Other than the driving it was basically same shit different day pain wise. Husband and my dad walked Big down to the town train station every day to watch the "yard goat". Big was just excited to be that close to trains, something we don't do here because there are no acceptable train stations.

However the big thing is we got rid of the house. No more stress, no more worry. Now, we can replenish the savings we were carving into paying for two places.

Things that get in your way.

So things were moving, right.

We got rid of case worker from hell, and got the new case worker. She's wicked nice! 

So physical therapy is finally scheduled and approved and we are working on it. My first session came up and I'm all nervous. If you've never done physical therapy your basically paying someone to tell you how to move your body to put you in some pain to get out of pain. 

Least that's what it's always been for me! 

So I get in there. The woman was wicked short. I was like, gosh- maybe our personalities don't click. Like my first PT when I started out- we'd talk about our kids. Lots and lots of kid talk. 

Well we get through the formalities- of what my job entailed and what I can and can't do and she checks my muscles and then has me lay on my stomach. And then she "manually mobilizes" my back, my spine. The joints in my spine. 

And the only words that I can use to describe the sensation was "fucking hell" 

Now I'm sure she's done this dozens of times, I was sure she knew what she was doing. Looking back I now have better perspective of the situation.

Those first few hours after she "manually mobilized" my back was awful. She- we will call her the blonde one- said that I had done a good job of protecting my spine in the sense that I had little to no movement at all. So lean forward in your chair, or couch or wherever you are now and notice how your back curves with your lean. Mine, did not.

This is a result of me keeping myself out of pain (or at least trying to)

She as of this date has done it at least once a week since. I know that it has helped me get my spine moving again, but it has not helped with the pain. In fact since starting PT that woman has put me in the most pain of the last 6 months. Its been awful.

I think the most striking and shocking thing about the first, of now to physical therapists is that the first was all "I dont know what to do with you, you've had this injury so long I'm not sure what we can fix" Note to anyone who works in the medical field: don't say this to your patients.

I mean I questioned her when she snipped at me during our initial exam, but once she said that everything else was suspect. The Blonde One, is now just one more thing that got in my way. Pre-PT my pain had gotten down to a 4/5 with medication (down from a 6/7) and then I saw her and first day I was back up there. I came down a bit, but still, it was *not* that good pain that you feel when you are building muscle.

The second appointment with her I tried to discuss the pain this is where I got the "I don't know" line and the "just keep going" line. I get that as a physical therapist she has people coming in who just dont want to get better. However I just wanted to be like "bitch, I'm a mom of two- I don't have time to not get better, I'm approaching my birthday, which will probably suck because I wanted to have my life back by then!" but she's clearly kid less and does not understand the "mom" mentality.

And literally just like that, that was my second appointment. A lot of her brushing me off and being very cold and distant. Almost like I was scum on her shoe because I wasn't some little old lady to bully. 

Long time, no wait!

So it's only been a few weeks since my last post. But it's been a while since I've written. 

Back a while ago I updated all my posts and ensured I had content to get me through going home, and selling our old home. I will write about this trip later. Well little did I know a few weeks before we went home my oldest got a cough, which he gave to me. So I've been hacking like an old witch for weeks now. Also 3 days after getting back from our vacation- I started physical therapy. Which has been painful. There is some other drama in there as well.

I promise, I haven't forgotten I've just been sick/in pain/ and incredibly busy (because PT) 

I am now on my second physical therapist and hopefully I won't be so pressed and can hammer out some thoughts. 

Camping Story- "Narrows it down!"

So this whole experience- you know- doing it alone because insurance is slow as fuck is one big game of "Narrows it down"

So when I started all I knew was that, picking up my kids hurt, doing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher hurt, just existing hurt.

As I went along things got better for a while. I had exactly 1 day of pain-freeness. I did my PT routine as instructed and *poof* all gone.. now I've basically just been given drugs to deal with the pain but there has been nothing to really "fix the pain"

Well I've learned that I need pitchers to grab things from the floor so they don't hurt me.
I've learned that I cant pick up the kids.

And- I learned that walking causes me the most pain.

Here was the tale tell story-


So as I said in a previous post about camping that as long as I spent my time at the site I was ok. Well the last full day of our trip my husband, Big and Little all went for a walk. It was not a long walk at all. I was feeling low- normal- amounts of pain before we left. I was carrying nothing. My husband had Little and Big could walk for himself. We were going over to the docks at the lake to take the boys to play in the water.

Well, I think I got 50 feet from the campsite when everything started hurting. By the time we got there I was in a pretty good amount of pain, but not "I need an ambulance" type.

Now- I normally have pain when I got to the store and have to go shopping or anything like that. However I always figured that it was all the activity through out the day that caused it. But I was pretty active the whole trip. Every day I just had my routine around the site. And I felt fantastic. At home, it varies- I can be really low on my activity times and shop and I hurt, or really high and I've never noticed a difference. I figure that the small spurts of activity are not so much of the problem as sustained walking is. Because I can go from kitchen to living room, rest, come back do some cooking, and go back and forth with lots of "rests" or sitting in between. But extended sitting, laying, and walking - sustained activity (activity being defined as what I'm doing not necessarily being active)

I hope that made sense. I guess its another clue into how I can help myself.

Its not what I'm doing, its how long I'm doing it for. This would explain why I can do like 6 dishes and I need to stop, or walking the park hurts but just hanging in the playground does not hurt as much.