Calls

So, I got a call from the new case worker. I basically had to get her up to speed.

She seamed friendly, and she's coming to my next appointment (she actually asked, woot!)

I'm not sure if she's going to help.

The Camping Experience- While in pain!

So we did it! We made it!

It went really well. We actually did not get to camp at the site we wanted to, and had we realised there was another site up above we would not have had to drive 20 min up the mountains, back down, and then back up to find probably the perfect campground.

The weather was probably a good 10-20 degrees cooler than it is at our house and we did it in the middle of a heatwave. We were a touch under prepared (firewood) but other than that- everything went pretty good.

The boys LOVED it, which is awesome and Big has been asking when we can go again. Actually as I write this, had I known my husband was going to have an extra day off and I had not made plans we would do it this weekend. but alas- pans were set sooooooo.

Big and Little really enjoyed the "special camping toys" (read, dollar store toys) we got them and loooooved the Hammock we got. The hammock was a last second purchase. I was reading up on camping while going through all of this crap and I found some interesting articles about it. Basically on one forum I visited it was suggested as an alternative to the air mattress (which did ok, I'll get into that later) Not sure why or how, I'll have to do more investigation on that later.

Needless to say- I bought a cheap but well rated one and really it served as a napping spot for Big more than anything else!

Little was just IN LOVE with running free the whole time. I mean, He would grab his boba and make daddy walk! He also loved all the little stones and pebles and dirt and sticks. It was little toddler boy heaven for him!


We had a day of rain, but Jimmy ran down to town for provisions so it was basically me at the site. Which segways into how I did.

I did ok.

I was surprised. I figured that I would just find a spot and sit the whole time. Which I did not have to do. Jimmy let me rest a lot- which was good. Maybe it was the altitude? I dont know. But I was able to do more that I figured I was able to. My pain was deff less (as long as I stayed in the camp site, any sort of long distance walking, just straight walking put me in horrid pain) and that was great.

I think we will do it again, a bit more prepared next time! but I think we will do it :)

Dreaming..

This just came on my Pandora- I want to go running.

This song is an amazing running song and I used to have it on repeat when I'd go.

For now I'll picture it in my head.

Tough As Nails Follow Up.

So its been about a month of using this hoofers choice stuff and I'd have to say its ok.

So first of all- its greasy- but it absorbs. But it takes a while. When I was working my hands would get so dry they would crack and bleed. Because of the constant hand washing I'd need something that would absorb quickly so I used Vaseline. Which was cheap- quick absorbing and did the trick.

This stuff takes a while to absorb into your skin. So that's my chief complaint.

other than that, I've enjoyed everything about it.. Its got a earthy smell and it keeps everything maintained in between traditional maintenance- and it cuts back the need for that.

My nails are still growing/healing from the acrylic's coming off so I cant test the nail strengthening of that until things grow out a bit more.

Things We Have Wanted To Do.

We are going to try something. My theory is that I know lots of parents who do this all on their own- with two kids- and they do O.K. So if I'm here and just resting the whole time, I'm there for them, but Husband will have to do all the work.

I've gathered all the supplies, charted the course and set the dates (as of right now we are 4 days from leaving!) Big is so excited he could squeal. Actually he has the many times we have had to redirect him away from the stuff.

I've made lists, ordered supplies off the internet and spent a month and a half assembling everything. I'm so excited to pass this tradition down to my kids- this is something my parents did with my siblings and I and I hope my kids enjoy the passion for it!

My husband and I have been talking about doing this since Big was 1 year old. His first "phrase" was "go outside". We just never had the time.

Well. Now we do- but my back. So we are going to try- we are only going a few hours away and can come back if we fail.

Camping.

Maybe I wont have to miss it this time?

Lets Talk Happy.

I know, I know. Things have been all doom and gloom over here.

They are.

I'm going to try to talk about a happy post. So I think I'll talk about a project I've started with my Big- Teaching him his letters.

When you're a parent you feel a lot of pressure for your kids to be doing awesome. Some days James wow's me with his retention. Other days, he wow's me with his sass.. and on occasion I worry that he is not smart enough for the world.

So, one day I was pinteresting about another project and I cam across homeschooling. Now I was homeschooling myself and it was a very poor experience. However it got me thinking that maybe that would be a good distraction for me to try and lay some foundations for him to learn his letters. We have flash cards for it. So why the hell not.

Man he has taken to it like a fish to water. He really loves the one on one attention that contains so much extra praise! Some days he gets a lot. Other days he cant focus. But with each run, he gets better and better and better at it!

It almost makes me think about homeschooling him. Really if I could I'd pack the kids up and go traveling and home school for a while. However I think starting him on preschool stuff is good enough for now.

I'm thinking this upcoming week (its a Sunday for me while I write this) I'm going to try and structure his day a bit more. Focus on A letter and maybe incorporate some Sesame Street or something into it when Little is still awake. I'm trying to be more consistent with their routines. I'm hoping I can start getting James to Focus and to learn.

Deep inside I want him to have my Husbands brain power and not mine. Because mine, is very feeble and scattered.

More of the same ole same ole.

I know you cant tell.. Its been a while.

In fact, I have another appointment in 2 days. This is the 'glory' of scheduling my posts in advance.

So for me, sitting here right now, its been almost 2 weeks since the case worker from hell incident. 1 week since a new one was assigned, and I have heard ZERO things from anyone. No physical therapy has been approved, nothing.

So what have I been doing?

Lots. Of. Nothing.

No extended sitting, no extended standing, no excessive lifting. Just a whole bunch of hanging around with my pain levels back up to a 6/7 after a month of them being in check.

This is where we get to the aggravating rant.

I want to avoid injections. Injections to me don't seam like a good fit for my condition which has been confirmed by a surgeon of the insurance companies choosing. WE HAD MY PAIN UNDER CONTROL FOR 4 WEEKS. And what did my medical team/insurance do? Nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing. I know what you're thinking "Insurance companies don't really care about you as a person" and I know that. But things were moving, we were working towards a solution, things were getting so. much. better. Then all of a sudden some tart comes in and fucks it all up.

Why me?

I really don't understand. I've said this so many times- when I first got hurt I thought I'd be back to work. But no, now I'm some cow sitting in my house drinking coffee attempting to stay awake (a side effect of this medication, that an this GOD AWFUL low grade headache I've had for 2 weeks) and at the verge of tears at all time because I feel like this pain is never going to go away.

We could have done something, We could have worked towards getting me back- but no. We squandered it. So now, in two days. I need to walk into that office and we need to reconfigure medications. We need someone on the ball because I'm wasting my life. I don't want to waste my life.

Mr Insurance Company- if you're reading this. Please don't waste my life. I just want to move on and get on with it. I want out from under you as much as you want me out from under you. I just want to live- please, please, please let me live.

Sunday's Back to Pain.

last week my husband braved church on his own. Aka- I skipped out and stayed home.

I forget why. Its really a blur.

Today- it was back to me wanting to die the whole sermon.

Sundays are my test- how am I doing. This week I wish I had stayed home (week before I can remember needing to stay home- I don't remember why)

I just want to be better :(

(I know, lots of whining recently)

Intense Rage.

So today has just been awful.

Last night my husband went out to hang out with friends. The new routine for this is he puts the kids to bed and then I just hang around the house alone with everyone asleep. He needs the rest and time away from me and the kids, and it gives me a queen size bed to myself.

Well last night I was doing my routine and I ended up pushing myself and going to bed early. Its been custom as of late for me to be 1000% exhausted. Like today I took a 3 hour nap and got up 2 hours ago and I'm already read for another nap. I think its a side effect of the medication I'm on.
Anyway- I went to bed early and when I got up this morning my husband was already home and had the kids up. Our living room was gross so I plopped myself down on the kids rug and started doing the toys and just picking up. It took me 4 hours to finish cleaning the living room and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. But then my fingers started going numb and I was tired and the feeling of my fingers going numb made me so stinking mad.

Like, this is the mentality of myself this afternoon: I'm not old enough for this shit, why is my body failing me, I hurt really, really bad, now my fingers are going numb and I'm going to become an old miserable lady in a wheel chair because of a stupid as fuck job.

This week I've been fantasizing with the idea of buying a camper selling all our possessions and just traveling with the kids or a few years. Make up for lost time with my boys. But right now I feel like I cant even dream about getting better because things getting so much worse (numbing hands is NOT a good thing)

I don't even know how to portray the sense of dread I have right now. Like, my life is over- and I'm useless to my kids and family. Slowly but surely my husband is becoming a single dad with me sitting here on the couch supervising and just the feeling like there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. My husband should not get stable employment because I literally cant be home with them with out doing this (numbness) obviously to my body. Like I wasn't even bending. I just sorted some fucking toys and rested frequently. Our living room is not that big- I should not hurt like this.

Fuck the world.

Here. We. Go.

I don't want to post much on the details but we had a setback. Someone who was not of the right caliber was put into my life which (to quote Thomas) has caused "confusion and delay"

I'm just going to focus more on the emotional side of it.

Its honestly like a gut punch. Its like my life is frozen again. We were getting ready to move on. Our spirits (despite our doubts) were high and we were making plans for the future. Preparing for fun with the kids this summer. We were so hopeful that PT would start to fix things, that we would be on our way.

Now its like I'm back in March/April again. God knows what is going to happen, and when, and how long it will take.

Internally I have this goal that by the one year mark I'll be better. That I'm only wasting a year on this injury. This year is just going to suck and then I'll have the rest of my life to make up for it. Now I feel like I've been sentenced to prison again. A prison of my own body.

A *happy* church post!

So my pain has been steadily been getting worse.

Joy!

But I'm still a billion times better than I was even a month ago. I can actually participate with the family (more than listening from bed) and cuddles and snuggles are easier and sleeping is still easier. So all good things (despite its continuing slacking in the pain department.)

Today we were late for church- really there were a myriad of things that went wrong and we debated right at the end if we should go or do something else as a family. We decided to go, how ridiculous is our logic. The husband and I are well religiously educated- so you don't need to pray for our souls!

Anyway- I didn't realize how fast I was walking into the sanctuary to our seats until I left The Husband behind! OOPS! I almost felt up to singing, the Catholicness of the baptist church did not make me wimpier and whine as much (well, I still fussed but that's because seriously, we sit and stand more times than one does in a catholic service!)

I was feeling pretty great!

The Big and Little did fantastic in church and really other than missing the welcome video and one song, It was a perfect day.


Then we got home- and this is where the "it was indeed to good to be true" kicks in. I ate my lunch and during lunch The Little started screeching. Like louder and higher than a soprano. He wanted his dog, and it was taking to long to cook, even though he had eaten his whole meal. So the point and scream started.

Bunny trail: Have you ever tried to reason with a one year old? If you dont have kids you dont realize that at The Littles age- just under 18 months- some of them, like Big, listen well and do on command. Others are like Little. They look at you and grin while they scream at the top of their lungs because of the attention. Dont try and ignore it, because for some reason mine just get louder.

Back to the story: Little is singing the song of his people to try and encourage his dog to cook faster. Since of course Little's logic is flawed (turn up heat to the toaster oven to cook it faster) he gets more and more aggravated and turns it up a notch. Meanwhile that feeling comes on to me. I had just finished my juicy, greasy, yummy, bacon laden cheese burger. I was licking the yummyness of off my fingers (really that is code for the french fry salt) when that feeling. Its like the whole room shakes and vibrates and darkens with each note of the aforementioned song.

I thought, in that moment, Oh its just the song Little is singing (Big had started signing back up vocals at this time- to our dismay) So I went and laid on the couch, the volume change did not help. With every note had the same reaction. I grabbed a knitted blanket and placed it on my eyes. It helped some, but the notes were still piercing.

Now, the dilemma.

Cause everything in life is not free: my medication comes with certain risks. Unlike some narcotics I cant just pop and Excedrin and be done with it. No, I had to consult my pharmacist- who was absent! So she didn't get back to me until a bit ago, after I had taken a 4 hour nap, drunk 4 cups of coffee, had a few bottles of water and almost drove a knife into my brain through my ear.

So, for such a good morning I've had such a bad afternoon. I just took another dose of my med's and things are better. I'm really hoping this does not become a common side effect.

Postpartum Depression Success!

So my Little is almost a year and a half. I have probably had depression my whole life. As a little kid I hated my life so much I would dream every night of running away. In 2001 that turned into me cutting, self harm, and suicidal thoughts until 2003 when I tried to kill myself. I have been medicated and in therapy for a long, long, long, time. Looking back me wanting to run away was really depression. I would pack my stuff up and say "tonight's the night" but never do it. I never talked about it until I was 12/13 when I started pleading with my parents for help.

Its been a long, long road.

Most days, I'm fine, I can mentally handle myself, my emotions and I can recognize the spiral. I thank therapy for that. I have periodically gone on medication when I just cant get out of it, it happens to all of us.

After the Birth of both my kids I had to go on medication. With my Big, it was for 6-8 months and I came off of it because I got better. With my little I'm a year and a half out and am just getting off of it. Actually I forgot my medication when I was away from the house and realized I didn't want to kill myself and my kids (yeah- want to talk about scary, lets talk about upping your medication twice to help things)

This last time I went on medication I was on a high, high dose. I know people who cant get off antidepressants because its so bad, they cease to function. I was taking levels like theirs because I wanted to hurt my kids.

Let me give you a frame of reference.

After I had Big and Little there was normal postpartum emotions- can I do this? am I doing it right? how long is it going to take me to screw up this child? etc. These insecurities are normal in my opinion. The crying and normal emotions of sleep deprivation- are normal to me. With my first I was a bit freaked out but I had dealt with depression before so I worked through it, wrote my thoughts down about how I was feeling etc. Its pretty dark stuff that I need to destroy or leave for my great, great, great, great grand kids. My husband and I after my first had just gone through a marriage issue so again, I thought it was normal.

Till it didn't stop. At that point (6 months old?) I sought medication. I took it for 6 months and I was fine. I got pregnant with Little and the same thing happened the only difference was off the bat I would be in the car with my kids and think about driving us into a river or tree and kill us all. Because I didn't want to damage them by killing myself so I needed to end their suffering too.

That is scary shit.

When I realized what was going on I immediately got help, and after about 3 months those feelings crept up again, I got my dose upped again.

With this injury it has made that worse, I'm not sure if that played into my depression lasting so long. However a little over 5 months ago I forgot to take my meds and the thoughts came back so strong. I honestly felt like I would never get off them.

So, today I just realized its been two whole weeks with no medication and I've had zero thoughts of self harm or to harm my kids! I'm not sure if the "hope" my new doctor gave me is helping, or maybe its because I've started to make plans for our future, maybe its because my husband has been cooking a balanced dinner every night.. I'm really not sure.

However, I'm hoping that chapter (post Little partum depression) of my life is o.v.e.r.

Hopefully we can hurry the hell up on this other less pleasant chapter!