So my Little is almost a year and a half. I have probably had depression my whole life. As a little kid I hated my life so much I would dream every night of running away. In 2001 that turned into me cutting, self harm, and suicidal thoughts until 2003 when I tried to kill myself. I have been medicated and in therapy for a long, long, long, time. Looking back me wanting to run away was really depression. I would pack my stuff up and say "tonight's the night" but never do it. I never talked about it until I was 12/13 when I started pleading with my parents for help.
Its been a long, long road.
Most days, I'm fine, I can mentally handle myself, my emotions and I can recognize the spiral. I thank therapy for that. I have periodically gone on medication when I just cant get out of it, it happens to all of us.
After the Birth of both my kids I had to go on medication. With my Big, it was for 6-8 months and I came off of it because I got better. With my little I'm a year and a half out and am just getting off of it. Actually I forgot my medication when I was away from the house and realized I didn't want to kill myself and my kids (yeah- want to talk about scary, lets talk about upping your medication twice to help things)
This last time I went on medication I was on a high, high dose. I know people who cant get off antidepressants because its so bad, they cease to function. I was taking levels like theirs because I wanted to hurt my kids.
Let me give you a frame of reference.
After I had Big and Little there was normal postpartum emotions- can I do this? am I doing it right? how long is it going to take me to screw up this child? etc. These insecurities are normal in my opinion. The crying and normal emotions of sleep deprivation- are normal to me. With my first I was a bit freaked out but I had dealt with depression before so I worked through it, wrote my thoughts down about how I was feeling etc. Its pretty dark stuff that I need to destroy or leave for my great, great, great, great grand kids. My husband and I after my first had just gone through a marriage issue so again, I thought it was normal.
Till it didn't stop. At that point (6 months old?) I sought medication. I took it for 6 months and I was fine. I got pregnant with Little and the same thing happened the only difference was off the bat I would be in the car with my kids and think about driving us into a river or tree and kill us all. Because I didn't want to damage them by killing myself so I needed to end their suffering too.
That is scary shit.
When I realized what was going on I immediately got help, and after about 3 months those feelings crept up again, I got my dose upped again.
With this injury it has made that worse, I'm not sure if that played into my depression lasting so long. However a little over 5 months ago I forgot to take my meds and the thoughts came back so strong. I honestly felt like I would never get off them.
So, today I just realized its been two whole weeks with no medication and I've had zero thoughts of self harm or to harm my kids! I'm not sure if the "hope" my new doctor gave me is helping, or maybe its because I've started to make plans for our future, maybe its because my husband has been cooking a balanced dinner every night.. I'm really not sure.
However, I'm hoping that chapter (post Little partum depression) of my life is o.v.e.r.
Hopefully we can hurry the hell up on this other less pleasant chapter!
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