Intense Rage.

So today has just been awful.

Last night my husband went out to hang out with friends. The new routine for this is he puts the kids to bed and then I just hang around the house alone with everyone asleep. He needs the rest and time away from me and the kids, and it gives me a queen size bed to myself.

Well last night I was doing my routine and I ended up pushing myself and going to bed early. Its been custom as of late for me to be 1000% exhausted. Like today I took a 3 hour nap and got up 2 hours ago and I'm already read for another nap. I think its a side effect of the medication I'm on.
Anyway- I went to bed early and when I got up this morning my husband was already home and had the kids up. Our living room was gross so I plopped myself down on the kids rug and started doing the toys and just picking up. It took me 4 hours to finish cleaning the living room and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. But then my fingers started going numb and I was tired and the feeling of my fingers going numb made me so stinking mad.

Like, this is the mentality of myself this afternoon: I'm not old enough for this shit, why is my body failing me, I hurt really, really bad, now my fingers are going numb and I'm going to become an old miserable lady in a wheel chair because of a stupid as fuck job.

This week I've been fantasizing with the idea of buying a camper selling all our possessions and just traveling with the kids or a few years. Make up for lost time with my boys. But right now I feel like I cant even dream about getting better because things getting so much worse (numbing hands is NOT a good thing)

I don't even know how to portray the sense of dread I have right now. Like, my life is over- and I'm useless to my kids and family. Slowly but surely my husband is becoming a single dad with me sitting here on the couch supervising and just the feeling like there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. My husband should not get stable employment because I literally cant be home with them with out doing this (numbness) obviously to my body. Like I wasn't even bending. I just sorted some fucking toys and rested frequently. Our living room is not that big- I should not hurt like this.

Fuck the world.