Church Woes

Church.

If you cant tell by the weekly posts about it its a big part of my life.

Today I did ok. I'm not going to lie- emotionally it was harder than physically. Don't take this as my pain wasn't bad- but I would endure my entire spine shattering for my children. And when they are distressed- it distresses me. And pain cant take away from that distress.

This is why my family knows that it is important to stay one step ahead of me- because if they don't I will give up my "spoons" for my kids with out thinking. Its intuition. I try so hard to hold back- but it truly is hard. I literally need someone to say "Stop, I got this" or I'm going to do it.

For some reason my Big has been having a BIG problem being left at Sunday School. Like total freak out, needs his blankie type of problem. I have no idea what is causing it. I asked the teachers and they said they cant think of anything other than maybe having to switch around rooms because of staff shortages could be screwing up my Bigs routines.

Things I Do With My Kids

For those who know me they know that I do truly enjoy Dr Who. So in my bedridden-ness today I started watching Dr Who in bed.

Well- the boys came home with Nana and Grandma and well Big and Little joined me. Its now 9pm and I'm explaining to my Big what the Tardis is and why its a blue box. Big is so fascinated. He likes the pepper pot (Dalek) and loved the aliens.

I've fostered many of his "habits" - Thomas the Train- which I could do with my Big. But now my back is so bad even sitting on the floor and arranging the tracks is to much.

So here we sit- watching Dr Who. Specifically the 9th!

I'm so excited I found something we can watch together!

Another thing we have started doing is reading. Recently I read this really interesting article that explains that kids don't have the ability to "block out" information like we can. So when you read the same book over and over again- there is less new information and more word retention. This has really helped with my frustration with reading Baa Baa Black Sheep with the Big 5 BILLION times.

Accepting Help

The Calvary is here.

I have help, the most humbling experience is to try and sit and just watch, to relax, to not NEED to get up because people think you are faking. To be with people who have seen your x-ray's and MRI's and understand physiologically what is going on with your back. To be with people who don't get angry with you when you do things but instead be a constant encouragement that it is OK to ask for help, it is OK to let go.

I only get this treatment for two weeks- then everyone must leave. I'm hoping that we will be closer to a fix for my issues before that happens. Lucky for me I have a mobile and supportive family who even down to my brother will sacrifice to help me in my time of need- and I them.

And the kids are THRIVING- truly living again. They are getting better nutrition (because people have the ability to prep) they are getting more than the recommended daily exercise that is recommended for their age. They have routine, they have visitors, they are playing. It is amazing to see that transformation in 2 days.

When I am alone I have a hard time keeping them safe- toys picked up, keeping things out of their reach. I can hardly care for their basic needs and my own. It becomes "I can do for them or myself but I cant do both". We spend days inside- they get barely 10 min of fresh air. My TV is always on- I just need something to keep them off me. There is lots of cuddle time- but not a lot of running. The kids dont make it out of their PJ's and they don't get baths no matter how dirty they get.

Now I'm considering buying Big a bike- because there is someone else to teach Big. Litle naps a billion times better!

Having help is truly better. I'm very blessed.

I did it, I'm doing it, I'm almost done.

I made it through church. I was frigidity but I did it!

I almost thought I wasn't going to be able to make it. I had to lay down after getting up because I was in so much pain. I declined going back to my in laws- I honestly don't think I could deal with my father in law right now. Instead some of my family are coming to visit and help with the kids. I guess the act of grace from my husband made him forget to take out all the trash before he left- but ce la vie?

The Big and I are now sitting in bed watching Vegimals Christmas. I'm trying to prepare for how we are going to go to our old house so we can do the signing. My Big is trying to get up under me. I feel like such a bitch telling him to stay on his pillow and not cuddle. Its so counter intuitive as a parent to tell him to get off me. I have to remind myself if I sacrifice my body now by letting him be all up on me than I will make things worse for both of us in the long run.

I've had increased constant pain for about 2 weeks now. I'm honestly not sure why. At first I thought it was the weather but that has proved wrong. With the clearing weather I thought things would get better but they have not. I now have pain into my hips. Like deep pain in my hips- am I moving wrong when walking? I'm not really sure what is causing it. However I know that my mobility is decreasing. We once could park at the far edge of church and I would be able to walk across the parking lot before I would feel fatigued at check in. Now Jimmy has to drop me off at the door and I'm still fatigued at check in.

Ugh. Another ding to mobility.

We are looking into investing for claws because if things fall on the floor I'm really, really screwed. I'm putting this one off because I have two small children in the house and I can foresee them taking them and leaving them on the floor- thus screwing me over.

Today I end mixed because I'm starting to see the alterations to my house I need. A stool to do my makeup, grabbers, drop off's etc. How long will this continue before I get the adequate help I need?

Saturday Morning Pain 101

There are about 5 billion things I could be doing this morning. What am I doing?

Train spotting! 

And no, we are not talking about drugs. My oldest, loves trains. Thomas the Train,  chuggington and YouTube trains by fellow formers. My husband and I have not hindered this "passion" of my sons. We live near a freight company's yard. There are over 20 trains that go by in a day that we are less than 5 min from the tracks. 

This hobby allows me to sit stationary and occupied my big's time. He enjoys watching the train go by and I can always get him into the car with bribes of trains. I fear my youngest is following suit in the train obsession. 

As I sit here writing this- he is watching a train. It's literally just sitting there but he is enthralled. Excited by its presence. 

Giving him these memories makes me feel like a better mom. It's something www can do together and it only costs me gas. 

I'm probably at a pain level of a 8 still but- I'm always in pain and this is a low impact activity. We've been looking up train trips and our goal (when I'm better) is to do a train vacation. 

I think being in pain has taught me as a parent to find and nourish the activities that I can do with my kids- and put off other activities. I worry that I'm not getting my kids active enough- but we as a family make an effort to get them to run around outside. 

I really fear for the day that he moves on from trains or picks something that involves more walking and moving. Right now I just don't think I could keep up. 

It's the Little Things.

It really is.

Tonight my husband got my Big to bed. He read him a train book, and they fell asleep together in my room. I went to wake my husband up so he could move into the room with the little and he saw I was getting ready to get a shower.

He drained the tub for me (which he forgot for the kids bath!) and plucked out all the toys. 

For a normal person this would not be an act of kindness. This would be expected. But the fact that he took the time to do this- half asleep meant the world to me. 

This week we are looking into buying those grabbers for me in the house. Ugh. Tick one off my pride. 

Sorry for the short post. I'm going to go revel in the little thing that really warmed my heart so much. 

Failure, Family, and Hope

You have to understand me. I am stubborn and fiercely independent. Even when I broke my arm in high school I let my mom wash my hair once- after that I learned how to do it all myself. I have a hard time asking for help.

So it comes to this.

My husband has been working out of town with my in laws. Because I can hardly care for the boys we all went down as a family and my in laws have (for the most part) enjoyed the boys. I've had help and they live on a fenced farm so the kids can free rein while I watch from a chair on the porch or a recliner by the window.

I assume my Husbands dad thinks I'm full of shit about my pain. He starts (in a huff) helping clean up from supper as my mother in law sweeps from where the boys were eating. I don't help with the cooking or clean up. For the past few days I have been going straight to bed after dinner and the Husband has been doing bedtime. I get up if my Big needs a few rounds of Three Blind Mice or a kiss but that's about it. After supper I'm sometimes just that done. In his huff of throwing stuff away that my husband put in the wrong spot he asks me if I "want to help clean some  of this shit up"

My mother in law (bless her) thought he was talking to her- no it was me. This is another episode of "understand the cripple" I was getting my son some bedtime milk and I ignored it- corrected her that he was talking to me and went straight to my husband and told him. My mother in law apologized to my husband and myself. I was not mad at her- I'm upset at him.

If I was less of a person I would have snapped back with "I would love to help- but I'm out of Spoons today"

I told my husband I wont be coming back this week. He wasn't suppose to be either- but my father in laws best and most reliable worker is seriously ill- my husband loves his step dad and that farm so he is going back. So I texted my mother and my old nanny (who is like a second mom to me) and asked if I paid for the ticket down would she come. And they are. in 4 days they will be here.

I'm pretty sure I've got some of the best family ever- they could probably take my boys to hooters and I would not care right now. Because they (unlike the father in law) have seen my images. They were there when I first got hurt. They also know I don't ask for help lightly.

Calvary is here.

Church Interrupted.

Church has become my measure of my week. Its soothing to sit for an hour doing nothing. The kids have fun in their classes and I only have to listen (and check the board for my kids numbers- but so far they have behaved!)

This last Sunday was a war.

The day started and I didn't move out of bed. I had a slight ache but I know the second I attempted to move it would start. My Husband let me sleep in- which was nice. Eventually he came up and my Big was with him- he put the Little down for a nap and I got up to try and put on clothes. I bought myself this cute maxi dress and I wanted to wear it. Now where is my strapless bra?

No idea, I hardly have my feet on the floor and I'm already feeling like I need a cane. I hold onto anything I can get my hands on while I start my search. My husband offers to let me stay home and he will take the boys to church. I decline- I strive to keep my independence and Church is not like a trip to the park.

Within 10 min the pain is unbearable and I have to lay back down. My big comes over (because my husband is in the shower) and says to me "Mommy get up- we have to get ready for church" I assure him I know I just need a rest- he persists "Mommy get up!" I proceed to attempt to distract him with a toy or a task. It works- he runs off.

I lay in bed- should I go? Yes- I need to. I'll bring the strong stuff and if I need to I'll take it. I do another brief search and abandon hope for the dress. I pick out a pair of jeans and a nice shirt and Cammi. Husband dresses the children. They look decent- I don't really care since I'm still battling to stay upright. I take 3 over the counter pain pills as we head out the door for our routine.

We stop for breakfast- it takes a half hour to get to church. On the way there I pop a Tramadol since the other stuff didn't do a thing (not that I expected it to). I hold the walls as we go in, my husband drops me off at the door with the Big. He stays by my side- I really think he knows what is going on. We get in, and seated after a chaotic drop off and then begins the up and down's.

I comment to a family member that I feel like we stand and sit more than one does in a catholic service. Most weeks I don't mind. I'm usually slow and the movement eases my back. I do most of the service frigged as I'm afraid if I move it will trigger pain. This time its worse. when the preacher starts preaching I take another Tramadol and am in tears the whole service from pain.

Is this how church is going to be from now on? I'm afraid to go back. Post- incident even as I write this no amount of prescription or over the counter pain medication is touching my pain. Is church over for me? How can I possibly hope to care for my children wholly if I cant even make it to church. I'll continue to go for as long as I can- but how long will that be?

Blogging Effects.

I started this blog at the idea of a good friend. Usually we talk about trains, our kids, husbands etc. but one day I complained that there were no resources for parents who suffer from long term or chronic pain. She encouraged me to write stuff down so that in the end maybe I can help people.

I'm going to have to discover the writer in me. I'm not always good at it and my thoughts get jumbled quickly. Please bear with me!

However- as I sit here I notice what pain has done to me. Since as early as I can remember I have sat on the floor cross legged. Never had an issue. As I sit here (in pain!) with my legs crossed they keep going numb. It's pretty painful in itself. Blogging thus becomes an issue. Sleeping is an actual issue as I think about it. My arms do the same things at night.

I suspect its because of the weight gain. If I read the weight from my last apt's notes right I've gained between 20-30 lbs since getting hurt. I'm not active anymore- in fact if I was told that I need to lay in bed all day to let everything heal- I would drive myself to insanity trying to make my body heal. However a medical professional told me to keep moving- so move I do only because I trust those who know more about me than I do.

The pro's to this is it gives me something to do late at night when I'm usually bored out of my mind laying in bed. I'm installing the blogger app and I will successfully blog from my phone!

I need connection and a place to dump my never ending thoughts on what is going on with me. My husband (as previously mentioned) is not all that happy with my condition. He has a hard time understanding a never ending pain. Today I had the misfortune of feeling like my spine was just going to snap and I was going to fall over. I TOTALLY understand that this physically cant happen- but the feeling had me freaked out most of the day- and he doesn't get that.

So her I'm dumpity dumping and there goes the feeling in my left foot again.

To My Husband

Dear Husband, 

 

In the almost 7 years we have been together we have seen a lot. Before we were even married we dealt with the death of a parent, then we got married, we sold property, we dealt with job loss, moved cross country, and then we dealt with our own marriage mistakes. In marriage counseling once we were told we "have done in our first year of marriage what most deal with over 10 years". We have been through a lot. 

 

Somedays divorce does cross my mind- its frustrating being in a relationship with you. We have been married almost 6 years and some days I feel like you just don't love me anymore. We have two kids and I'm fairly confident they are the glue that keeps us going even though we are having a hard time. 

 

I'm sorry that this happened to me. Statistics show that we are more likely to have problems because I am sick. I'm sorry that I have left you to meet the physical needs of our kids while I lay in bed wishing and praying for healing or death. I'm sorry that when I'm in pain I lash out- really I'm like a wounded puppy- and I'm sorry you have to pick up where I cant do anymore. I wish I could be different and I wish I could change the day that changed my life. I'm not a time lord, there is no T.A.R.D.I.S to take me back so I can stop myself. 

 

Its honestly not fair. This was not suppose to happen. You, having a broken late 20's wife. I feel some days like I'm wasting and will waste this year away. I have told you I had goals before this happened. I was suppose to spend Nov and Dec walking, and pick up running in Jan, and by April be looking for a short marathon to run in the fall. I wanted to loose the 50lbs of baby weight I've put on since we've got married. I wanted to be a mom to our kids, and your wife. I wanted to plant a veggie garden and spend the summer teaching our Big about weeding and growing things in the dirt. I wanted to take Big and Little to playgroups, museums, parks, and road trips. I wanted to go camping and bike riding. I wanted them to love animals and their care. 

 

This isnt happening. This is not where I saw us.. You working, me home with the kids. Cooking dinner when you get home. Craft projects for the kids and me. Learning canning and preserving. It never happened. And I'm sorry you're left with an angry, depressed and wounded wife. I'm not much fun anymore, I really get that. 

 

Its hard to let go of parenting when your spouse is so different from you. I have patience but you have structure. I worry about my kids growing up with out knowing that they are truly and unconditionally loved. I worry about them growing up to be good people. Now- I'm faced with leaving that task to you in a certain sense. It scares the shit out of me. I'm not the type to give up control- I micromanage to much. I hate asking for help because I feel like people cant help me the way i want. 

 

I get that you are frustrated with my stubbornness. I'm sorry. But please know with out those kids I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. I wouldn't do much at all. I know I was told to keep moving- but moving hurts so much. If it was not for our Big and Little's bright smiles and love I dont think I would get out of the house even. Those two truly keep me going. 

 

I guess all of this is to say- I get it. I just wish you understood me more right now. This process is painful, this process is humiliating and humbling. Please be patient with me. Please don't leave me because I'm hurting. Please don't stop loving me because of this injury. Because in the end- I do really need you right now. I know I'm awful at saying it. And I should probably tell you- but I can't.

Bear with me dear. Please. 

Go Home, You're Disabled

 I recently asked a group of friends some advice. They knew my situation and I was trying to weigh a cost vs value of a tent VS camper. I cant set up a tent or camper. My husband would have to do it. However, its comfort.

My back will be killing me on an air mattress. Is the cost worth the value. Someone- an acquaintance we will call them said to me: "You're overlooking not going. Sounds like a terrible idea with medical costs coming up and your husband jobless." I called her out on it and she responded that " You asked for advice. If my husband and I weren't working, we wouldn't have money for a tent or camper. Sorry you're offended."

While my finances are nobody's business except mine, my husbands and our banks. But its the idea- Go home, you're broken, Don't come out, don't spend time with your kids or help them create memories. Don't participate in life. Sit at home and wait until you can get out of pain.

All I can think of is do we say this to pregnant women who have kids? You're pregnant- go home and don't come out until your baby is 6 months old. Do we say this to the elderly- you're to old to go out? Your Arthritis is to bad- don't go for a walk?

As a parent- in pain- I cant just stay home in bed. That would emotionally be bad for my kids. It would be bad for me. Already I want to hide in my closet at the thought of going out- it brings me so much anxiety. Questions arise- can I make this trip? how long can I last today before I want to curl up on the floor? Am I to young for the motorized cart?

Parenting is such a competition that when you are in constant pain you feel so bad for yourself as a parent and for your kids that they "lucked out" with you. Could my pain make them more empathetic? I'm not sure. How is it going to affect them? I dont know. I know already my little has a big attachment to his daddy. My husband and I are talking about enrolling him in daycare because I cant keep up. My oldest is always telling me to get up- to do something with him. I just dont know how to explain to a 3 year old- mommy wants to get up, mommy wants to help you go potty, mommy wants to dress you (so you match) and mommy wants to take you for a walk to the park or library so we can get some of your never ending energy out.

For now we just tell him mommy has a booboo in her back and she cant do something right now. And my husband does it for him. What happens later on? I wish so much there were more resources. more help for parents in my position. I want my kids to grow up mentally sound as well as feeling secure. I can handle the insecurities of adults trying to hand me my 28 lb little.

I try to deal with my disability in a dignified manner. But my children are not equipped and I need to equip them fast as I stumble into more pain- and more failures as a mother. 

A Day of Coping

Today I'm not at my house.

My sweet child proofed house that has no real yard and is really a townhouse apartment. Constant supervision of the children is needed when they are outside, it's taxing. After about 10 min I'm done. My kids hate being cooped up inside watching tv so inside is no better. 

A week ago I "sold" my husband back to his parents. Not really. Being around the house with no real job other than me and the kids was driving him into driving me mad. 

The first week of him being 3 hours away (it was only 4 days) almost killed me. Then my son had a heart wrenching and painful moment that caused me to move to fast- I felt like I was hit by a car. 

Therefore here I am. My kids can free range (we are at farm) and I can sit on the porch and only need to get up to kiss booboo's. I can redirect the kids in the yard by yelling. Meanwhile like a lifeguard at a pool I watch my kids play with trucks and sticks and sand. I drink coffee and just watch. 

This is madness. I want to teach my 3 year old to climb the latter to the playhouse and the adventures he can have up there! I want to push my youngest on a trike! I want to go for walks and chase them. 

I want to use my double jogging stroller (which is sadly covered in pollen) Going through my day I realize how I cope. Every morning I wake up greeted by pain. A 6/7 on the doctors pain scale. By Tylenol time it's a 5/6 and after that if I keep up with the drugs I'm a 3 or 4. 

First up- pee. I'm in so much pain trying to sit that this is long process. I pull myself up by the sink. And stumble around to flush. I lean into the sink to wash my hands. Focusing on the soap on my hands. Trying to ignore the feeling of someone stabbing my back. Least I forget to lock the door I will have 1-2 children watching me. When the kids watch I have to be extra careful to not show weakness or pain. It makes them extra clingy and that will cost me by the end of the day. 

Before breakfast I make myself coffee- denying my kids immediate need for milk or water. If I'm thinking the night before I'll prep it. My husband or mother in law saw my struggle and got the milk while I took 3 extra strength Tylenol. I drink my coffee and scroll through Facebook and chit chat with friends on messenger. Anything to get my mind off the knives in my back. 

When my Tylenol kicks in I try and move. If I'm alone it's making pancakes (homemade mix and water- easy peasy) I huddle over the table supervising the starving children hoping and praying they don't ask me to get up. 

I nibble on some food- the Tylenol has already made me feel ill. The it's play time. I try and set them up so I move as little as possible. I get my coffee and phone and pick a spot. I supervise, I find a comfortable position and then I'm in pain. Ok, adjust, and 5 more min I need to move again. Usually a simple but wiggle will fix it but sometimes that act makes me want to cry. My pain is dull and soft. Tylenol makes it bearable but it never goes away. It's the sharp I'm trying to keep away. 

The kids come to me for kisses for their wounds unless they are stuck or bleeding. I use my feet to unstick feet from holes and try not to bend. Bending causes more pain than squatting- but squatting I have less balance which leads to falling- more pain that way. 

Nap time for the little comes- I make him crawl his own steps. Change him and put him in his crib or pack and play. I sits there and whines at me as I get his comfort items. If they are on the floor I cringe. Fucking gravity. I try not to lean over the crib. He usually will lay down on his own so I can tuck him in. A gentle stroke of his face I tell him I love him and I walk out. 

Time for pain medication. 

Depending on the day it might be a muscle relaxer or good old Tramadol. Other days it's Tylenol and wine. I use my meds sparingly right now. I'm waiting on a spine specialist referral. 

For the next hour I get my big focused on lunch, and nap. Nap time is rest time for me. My big falls asleep before I can even get comfortable. He's used to me moving a lot. Moving is a catch 22. It hurts to do it and if I don't I hurt more. Some days I get stuck in bed. Unable to move my body in a way to get up. Last week my big had to push me so I could get out of my bed. By the time I'm almost asleep little is awake. Diaper and play time in his room till the big is awake. We do not want to climb the stairs to much. My little does not understand. 

Sometimes he pushes me and it makes me ache so much. He is faster than me, I can't catch up to his fullest speeds. They are both up. Try and get them outside. Try to not die (or feel like dying) they are moving to fast, going to far if I'm home. Here at the farm they often try to run to the shop. Today they played. My mother in law pushed Ethan and did his diaper. To her horror I don't put shoes on the Big. It hurts. Picking up the little hurts too. 

I try and direct them to the TV once their dad is home to give him a break. The rest of the day falls on him. It's not fair. 

I should not be done for the day. Dinner, baths, bed, smores, etc? It should not cost me and it should not fall all on my husband. He questions me on my pain- it's high. I start my prescriptions. I haven't drunk enough water today so I forego the wine in the fridge. I try a shower instead. It helps nothing. 

So here I am. Awake. How many short cuts did I take? I evaluate my day. My kids are snug in their beds sleeping. That's great. They played outside- that is fantastic. They ate good meals- feeling better I was an absent mom- bad, I feel awful. 

They saw me in pain and my big asked me why I was walking funny- not good. I spent 10 min with my little - mom fail.

Parenting In Pain

It wasn't suppose to be like this.

I'm in my mid 20's. I'm in pain every day hanging by a thread with a combination of over the counter pain killers and narcotics. My evenings are a haze of wine and drugs created by the stress of parenting and the never ending pain.

My husband asks me how many spoons I've used today. What is my modified pain today. I wait for emails telling me what my future holds. I try and calm the worries of my mom 1,200 miles way.

I grit my teeth during church. I sit and stand with everyone else and I sham during the service trying to hold still and hold my pain in. I hear about half of the sermon- the other half I'm lost in conversation with myself over how long I can sustain church. I need it though so I grit my teeth. Reminding myself I did 8 and 5 hours of non medicated labor with my boys- I can do a 2 hour church service.

I dread the thought of picking up my youngest child. When people (not knowing about my back problems) hand me my child I die. I want to just throw him down. Holding him at my longest capability (maybe 2 min?) makes me cry later. Increases the drugs and wine needed to get to sleep.

I was suppose to running by now, picking out a half marathon for 2016. Mudrella? Which state? Should I run with the kids in my jogging double? I should not have gained 25+ lbs by now. I should have lost all my seconds baby weight and looking at loosing everything from my first.

6 months ago I started a journey of pain and brokenness. I've been searching (since my diagnosis was narrowed and identified) for resources for parents who are in pain- there are none. None that I can find.

KNOW I'm not the only parent in pain. A relative of mine was telling me about her chronic pain and she stays home with her child too. She also has to start her day with pills. So why isn't there more? Another friend told me that I should blog. So I'm going to. Anonymously because I need to get it out. I need to talk and I hope to help someone else.

What Did I Miss Today

What did I miss today? 

Today I missed shoveling sand into trucks with spoons. Fights over spoons. Giggles and fun. A sun burn, gnats in my eyes. A hug or two! I missed a run into the woods, pushing my child in a car. Teaching a child to Pedal a bike. I missed the afternoon. 

I threatened my 3 year old with a nap if he did not let me rest. I drank 3 cups of cold coffee while I sat in a vegetative state. I lied to my child to get him to go with memaw. I ate out again so we didn't have to cook, and there was no extra wash. 

I got 10 min in at the park today. I stood so icy pushing my little. Each push was a knife in my back- he smiled wide as he flew through the air. Finally I told my husband I had enough and the children fell into tantrums because I couldn't be there. 

Bedtime was late again. I couldn't manage a hug or kiss until we were in stall tactic mode. I was to lethargic from the drugs I take. My youngest put down my his grandmother. My oldest still in his clothes from the day. I wanted them in pj's- I wanted it all just so. But I couldn't be there and nobody else worried about their clothes. 

I called my doctor today- begging for more relief. I'm down to my last few- what is meant for temporary relief. 

I missed so much today. We are all a day older now. It's a day I can't get back. Smiles given to someone else. Hugs donated elsewhere. 

Just Saying...

Who am I? I'm in my mid 20's. I suffer from daily pain from an injury that created massive instability in my Lumbar (lower) spine.

I've been told that I have anything from a simple Pars Defect, to herniated discs, a slipped disc etc.

I have a husband- we've been married since 2009 I have 2 kids (circa 2011 and 2014)

I love sewing, history, rugby, and Doctor Who.

I used to work- I was planning on becoming a stay at home mom, start running and do parks and fun stuff with my kids. I now let them watch way to much tv. If naps get hard I take my kids for a car ride and worry about how narcotics and pain will prevent me from raising my kids.

I'm a shell of my former self. I used to play soccer and rugby in high school. In college I loved hiking and wandering Atlanta. Going from super active and busy to basically a potato (as my husband calls me) is emotionally draining. It sucks. So I need imaginary friends to talk to. Because pain hurts, being a parent is hard, and being a parent in constant pain sucks more. All the money in the world can't give me back the time with my kids. All the therapy in the world won't help my kids cope with my disability. And im hoping all the love I can give will fill the gaps that my pain is causing them.