I just don't want to life.

It's been a month since my follow up. The medication they put me on for the nerve pain makes me wheeze. The medication he gave me for pain doesn't work. I just hurt so much. 

The husband has had to take on more of the "heavy lifting" or work. We have started marriage counseling because we are not coping as a couple. 

And explicit warning- I can't even give myself an orgasm anymore because the positioning makes my nerves hurt. 

The claims adjuster sure has taken her time to approve the surgeon consult. 

Socialization is for the birds!

I can't bring myself to want to socialize. I mean, literally I have nothing to talk about. I spend a lot of time alone. I read the news- but politics are rubbish to talk about. Nobody cares about my Minecraft or WoW achievements. I just feel so, blah. 

I know right now I should be leaning on my friends for support and a sense of normalcy. But they get to do all the fun and exciting things and I'm over here playing spider solitaire (literally). It's hard not to feel judged, which leaves me with sometimes crippling social anxieties. 

My husband and I have recently started getting "involved" in a church. But in not really sure what you would call it. I've sold The Husband to the orchestra, and we visited a Sunday school class. Really I've been just trying to act normal. Find normal reasons to not bake cupcakes or help out in the kitchens. It's really work to hide a condition like this. 

So here I am. Another day alone. Another day surviving after the failed epidural. Another day dreaming of life after pain or life before pain. 

Regrets.

As I lay with my little tonight at bedtime, I realized how awful of a mother I am to him. I can't do much with/for him. He suffers most from my pain. I totally blame this on this injury, on this stupid pain. Why me? Why can't I have my life? What did I do to deserve this? Am I that bad of a person? 

The procedure failed. I'm worse now than before. I feel like my life is over.

Days passing.

I feel 100% truly alone. 

In a few days I'll be doing a round of epidural injections because my facet injections did not work. But I am alone. I'm a ball of stress and anxiety over the procedure. I have no friends to hang out with to distract me. I hurt to much to sufficiently let the kids distract me. Talking to my husband about it only makes it worse. 

So here I sit. Alone. In bed. In a house full of family. My body in complete terror of a procedure that is days away. I can't cry about it, I can't stop my body. Everything is just running away. 

Being an adult

Its been a while again. I haven't had much to talk about. I'll get to why.

Yesterday, I was bringing my child to school and had this feeling like I was an actual adult. I just turned 27 years old about two weeks ago. Up until that point I felt like I was a ruse of an adult, not sure if I'm normal in that feeling.

Maybe its "old age" (I know, I'm still young) and all. but literally its like that conscious decision. I've got a few grey hairs. I've got some wrinkles, none of that made me feel as "adult" as I did yesterday. The weight of "how did I get here" finally resting on my shoulders. Maybe its the inching close to my one year mark. It could be the scheduling of my first invasive medical procedure (above and beyond physical therapy and medications).

We scheduled my procedure back just after I wrote my last post. I've been trying not to think about it, about whats coming. About being dependent. I feel like I've finally achieved a bit of life. Yes it consists of PT and carting kids to school. I don't mind, I think, in fact, I'd enjoy it even more if I could take Little to the park and make friends.

Tomorrow I'm having injections. Reflecting on everything that has gone on and my own research makes me feel as though they wont work. However my anxiety is so sky high. What if it works? why could things not work out so that I could have LIVED this last year? What if they don't? Are we heading for something more serious? And the thought of another year of this makes me feel so sad.

Tonight I pick up help, and my mother in law is coming. I have read so much about these procedures. Some people they help, some people they don't, and in some cases they cause more pain. We have (through PT) gotten my pain down SO MUCH, I don't want to go back to bed ridden. I don't want the sympathy or the glances. There are so many more complex emotions involved in this than I could imagine- I think than anyone could.

I think, if I compared it to the biggest "medical complication" (s) of my life- the birth of my two kids. that this has so many more unsure emotions, so many more emotions.

The End of the Beginning - part... I lost count!

My first appointment of the week comes. I literally have spent the weekend in tears. She says again "I really don't know what is normal because you've been in pain so long"

And she has me do these weird routines. That hurt. Shes accelerating not slowing down.

Here is my bind: I have a work place injury. How do you refuse care that potentially could help you when the whole time your provider is being useless?

Well it all works out.

She has me do these moves that use resistance and that I can feel my back hurting. They are to strengthen- not to help the pain- I can see that now. I wish I knew all the names but I don't. The Blonde One encourages me to keep going, keep hurting.

So, I do as best I can. Until the next day, I see my doctor. The case worker is there. We discuss my pain and progress. My doctor pushes injections. I beg them to wait until after Big starts Pre-K so I can have an easier time managing care for them. They give me 3 weeks of PT to get the pain better and then we will see the doctor and schedule the injections.

This brings out some points. My doctor is under the impression that my pain is my Facet Joints- google it, but its a part of the spine. Thing is my pain is not really consistent with that. With facet pain, from what I understand, leaning back will make it worse. Well when my pain got a bit better at the beginning, leaning back pain also went down, but my twisting pain did not go away.

 I have my apprehension about the injections. I kind of feel like I'm being shoved in this direction. I think having a bad physical therapist did not help any. After my appointment I made more and was able to switch therapists- thank god. I also did put in a complaint about the Blonde One. I think I could have handled the personality trait issue if my pain wasn't being ignored.

Funny thing is, her last appointment with me she was all happy and attentive. My fingers are crossed that with the new PT that my pain will go away- or diminish. that way we can hold off with the injections.

Trains and Things.

So at my last appointment I asked my therapist if I should be OK taking my sons to a train show.

She says yes, pull the confidence line and all that good stuff.

Well she was right, I did do OK at the show. Part of it was because Big stopped to watch the train displays and Husband was doing most of the manning.

I cant tell you how overwhelming those shows are. We got Big some more trains for his Thomas the Train collection (BoCo, Fire Engine, Scrap car, and Sir Hat in his car) and also got him the start of his model trains we knew he would get into. His "Big Trains"

I learned how to make trees, and how the fanaticism goes. Some of the older generation were very willing to help us with our young conductor (and we are grateful for it) My father is picking out the engine, We have the control, the track, some cars and Big is looking forward to the big day when we put it all together.

This truly marks a bench point I've reached in my treatment. I can get out, they want me to. It hurts to do it, but that little bit of push to see how far I could go (which was no farther than I had been) was enough. It made me feel like I can have life again. Like maybe- there is something after this.

Its not like I ran a marathon or anything. I just walked a fairly small (school gym sized?) auditorium full of trains with my 3.5 year old (and his brother) Both of the kids got very overwhelmed so fast. There was so much input into their brains you could just see sparks coming out of their ears.

I'm still in awe of how I did. Its like tasting freedom. You don't realize how much you are a slave to your body until you count the things you cant do anymore.

Deck the therapist.

So my last physical therapy update I was shrugged off and dismissed right?

Well I had to move an appointment because my big woke me up with vomit. JOY.

Let me set the stage. Husband had gone to work super early, taken Little to daycare, and Big had climbed into bed with me. Big asked Husband for some milk, Husband got said milk and James drank it. Sometime early in the morning Big starts coughing (he's had that cough for a while) and I'm all "its ok, go back to sleep" when he's all "no mommy, I'm puking" and then he vomits all over me, the bed, the sheets, the comforter, blankets, etc.

G-R-E-A-T morning.

So I call the PT office to move everything since I don't know if it was a bug, the milk, or he stuck his finger down there or anything. Don't worry, Big is ok! But I got to see a different PT for my 3rd visit. And he had me do the clam-shells and these other things but this time, he had me use weight (or resistance) And I felt fine during. But after, when I went to take James to the park I started to feel awful. And that started me being in significant pain, because you see, after my previous appointment I was in some pain- but it was a better average pain not a bunch of spiking overwhelming sudden type pain (if that makes sense? I'm not always sure).

Please note that all these sessions are done in one room- so while they are working on me, they are also doing others.

Later that week I tell the Blonde One that hey, this is hurting pretty bad- but only after she just set me on my routine while she attended to another girl and gossiped about true detective for about half of the session time. Well Blonde One reiterates that the pain is normal, shes not sure what to do for me but just keep going. So I'm left with nothing.

And then this guy (he's not a PT but an employee doing eval's for companies) tells this story about the bumble bee. I'm not sure of its origins but it goes something like this:

A professor asks his students for the final exam to explain how bumble bee's fly using formulas (this is some sort of specific class Physics? Aerodynamics?) So the end of the semester comes and nobody can explain it and the professor basically says "because it (the bee) knows it can"

Of course this guy tells it so much better than my measly little blip- but it related to this girl (I'll call her true blood girl) and he basically said when she first came in she lacked confidence, and now that she had it she was doing so much better)

Well after that little heartfelt moment she comes over to me and basically we are talking about the walking she wants me to do- and I was all well it hurts after so many feet. She turned to me and said, well you heard that story- you cant walk a mile at 2-blank because you lack confidence. there is no good reason for you to  not be able to walk a mile. I'm (she said 30 something- so she's a blonde single crazy cat lady- haha) and blah blah blah.

I don't even think I can tell you how much I hated her.

I'm in my mid 20's and went from a lifestyle of hiking with my husband and kids, I would stand for 10-12 hours straight. I could hold my infant son, I could kick a ball, I could run, I could walk, I could climb, I could sit in an office chair and play a video game. I could do my fucking dishes (Seriously, do you know how many dishes a family of 4 produces??)

I. Do. Not. Lack. Confidence.

I carried two kids to term, and gave birth with out medication while working 50 hours a week. I endured pitocin with no painkillers, I endured threats of demotion while pregnant, I endured tears to my ligaments and groin with mt first pregnancy because I was trying to measure up. I endured constant down talk from customers, invasive personal questions from strangers. I have done things I dont even think 30 year old physical therapist barbie could imagine.

I do not, in any way, lack confidence.

I now know I lacked a competent physical therapist.

I go to the park as ordered to walk the loop with my Big.

How to Sell a House

We finally sold the house we lived in. Which is awesome- there is no going back.

It was pretty stressful including Husband having to run to home depot to buy two new fire alarms 5 min before closing. The guy they had was an idiot- we still have to go to a notary and get this form signed because they misspelled the buyers names. Guy was a douche- if you need a lawyer not to use, he is top of my list. I never got to see the house finished though.

But anyway! So that is a hell of a lot of money we are no longer wasting. I ended up having to consult a lawyer because there was someone involved trying to prevent the sale- because she thought our buyers were weird- reported that shit to the state!

We ended up spending a week and a half total at home (as I will call it) We got to see most everyone, but not everyone.We got to do train rides and fireworks. It was a great experience.

It was so weird going back we had forgotten we had moved away. For Husband it has not been as long as it was for me. However we found ourselves trying to drive back to our old house, which was not far from where we were staying.

There are somethings I'll miss- like fall and winter. However there is a certain amount of drama that I will not miss. Also I don't think I'll be making the trip again any time soon. It was gruesome on my body and mind. There are only so many hours parents can spend in a car with kids.

We left, quiet literally, right after my last appointment. Drove through the night (encountered a trucker who's wheel had popped and he crashed into rocks, setting his cab on fire) and got home very and utterly exhausted.

Grandma's bed was so stinking hard. and after a few days the grandparents got grumpy so we took the kids away to a hotel and took them to story land- where I basically rode the train with James the whole time!

I experienced cold I haven't seen in months. Wore sweat pants and a sweater outside- because burr. Tasted coffee at my old store- it was gross, and got a night away from the kids. Other than the driving it was basically same shit different day pain wise. Husband and my dad walked Big down to the town train station every day to watch the "yard goat". Big was just excited to be that close to trains, something we don't do here because there are no acceptable train stations.

However the big thing is we got rid of the house. No more stress, no more worry. Now, we can replenish the savings we were carving into paying for two places.

Things that get in your way.

So things were moving, right.

We got rid of case worker from hell, and got the new case worker. She's wicked nice! 

So physical therapy is finally scheduled and approved and we are working on it. My first session came up and I'm all nervous. If you've never done physical therapy your basically paying someone to tell you how to move your body to put you in some pain to get out of pain. 

Least that's what it's always been for me! 

So I get in there. The woman was wicked short. I was like, gosh- maybe our personalities don't click. Like my first PT when I started out- we'd talk about our kids. Lots and lots of kid talk. 

Well we get through the formalities- of what my job entailed and what I can and can't do and she checks my muscles and then has me lay on my stomach. And then she "manually mobilizes" my back, my spine. The joints in my spine. 

And the only words that I can use to describe the sensation was "fucking hell" 

Now I'm sure she's done this dozens of times, I was sure she knew what she was doing. Looking back I now have better perspective of the situation.

Those first few hours after she "manually mobilized" my back was awful. She- we will call her the blonde one- said that I had done a good job of protecting my spine in the sense that I had little to no movement at all. So lean forward in your chair, or couch or wherever you are now and notice how your back curves with your lean. Mine, did not.

This is a result of me keeping myself out of pain (or at least trying to)

She as of this date has done it at least once a week since. I know that it has helped me get my spine moving again, but it has not helped with the pain. In fact since starting PT that woman has put me in the most pain of the last 6 months. Its been awful.

I think the most striking and shocking thing about the first, of now to physical therapists is that the first was all "I dont know what to do with you, you've had this injury so long I'm not sure what we can fix" Note to anyone who works in the medical field: don't say this to your patients.

I mean I questioned her when she snipped at me during our initial exam, but once she said that everything else was suspect. The Blonde One, is now just one more thing that got in my way. Pre-PT my pain had gotten down to a 4/5 with medication (down from a 6/7) and then I saw her and first day I was back up there. I came down a bit, but still, it was *not* that good pain that you feel when you are building muscle.

The second appointment with her I tried to discuss the pain this is where I got the "I don't know" line and the "just keep going" line. I get that as a physical therapist she has people coming in who just dont want to get better. However I just wanted to be like "bitch, I'm a mom of two- I don't have time to not get better, I'm approaching my birthday, which will probably suck because I wanted to have my life back by then!" but she's clearly kid less and does not understand the "mom" mentality.

And literally just like that, that was my second appointment. A lot of her brushing me off and being very cold and distant. Almost like I was scum on her shoe because I wasn't some little old lady to bully. 

Long time, no wait!

So it's only been a few weeks since my last post. But it's been a while since I've written. 

Back a while ago I updated all my posts and ensured I had content to get me through going home, and selling our old home. I will write about this trip later. Well little did I know a few weeks before we went home my oldest got a cough, which he gave to me. So I've been hacking like an old witch for weeks now. Also 3 days after getting back from our vacation- I started physical therapy. Which has been painful. There is some other drama in there as well.

I promise, I haven't forgotten I've just been sick/in pain/ and incredibly busy (because PT) 

I am now on my second physical therapist and hopefully I won't be so pressed and can hammer out some thoughts. 

Camping Story- "Narrows it down!"

So this whole experience- you know- doing it alone because insurance is slow as fuck is one big game of "Narrows it down"

So when I started all I knew was that, picking up my kids hurt, doing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher hurt, just existing hurt.

As I went along things got better for a while. I had exactly 1 day of pain-freeness. I did my PT routine as instructed and *poof* all gone.. now I've basically just been given drugs to deal with the pain but there has been nothing to really "fix the pain"

Well I've learned that I need pitchers to grab things from the floor so they don't hurt me.
I've learned that I cant pick up the kids.

And- I learned that walking causes me the most pain.

Here was the tale tell story-


So as I said in a previous post about camping that as long as I spent my time at the site I was ok. Well the last full day of our trip my husband, Big and Little all went for a walk. It was not a long walk at all. I was feeling low- normal- amounts of pain before we left. I was carrying nothing. My husband had Little and Big could walk for himself. We were going over to the docks at the lake to take the boys to play in the water.

Well, I think I got 50 feet from the campsite when everything started hurting. By the time we got there I was in a pretty good amount of pain, but not "I need an ambulance" type.

Now- I normally have pain when I got to the store and have to go shopping or anything like that. However I always figured that it was all the activity through out the day that caused it. But I was pretty active the whole trip. Every day I just had my routine around the site. And I felt fantastic. At home, it varies- I can be really low on my activity times and shop and I hurt, or really high and I've never noticed a difference. I figure that the small spurts of activity are not so much of the problem as sustained walking is. Because I can go from kitchen to living room, rest, come back do some cooking, and go back and forth with lots of "rests" or sitting in between. But extended sitting, laying, and walking - sustained activity (activity being defined as what I'm doing not necessarily being active)

I hope that made sense. I guess its another clue into how I can help myself.

Its not what I'm doing, its how long I'm doing it for. This would explain why I can do like 6 dishes and I need to stop, or walking the park hurts but just hanging in the playground does not hurt as much.

Calls

So, I got a call from the new case worker. I basically had to get her up to speed.

She seamed friendly, and she's coming to my next appointment (she actually asked, woot!)

I'm not sure if she's going to help.

The Camping Experience- While in pain!

So we did it! We made it!

It went really well. We actually did not get to camp at the site we wanted to, and had we realised there was another site up above we would not have had to drive 20 min up the mountains, back down, and then back up to find probably the perfect campground.

The weather was probably a good 10-20 degrees cooler than it is at our house and we did it in the middle of a heatwave. We were a touch under prepared (firewood) but other than that- everything went pretty good.

The boys LOVED it, which is awesome and Big has been asking when we can go again. Actually as I write this, had I known my husband was going to have an extra day off and I had not made plans we would do it this weekend. but alas- pans were set sooooooo.

Big and Little really enjoyed the "special camping toys" (read, dollar store toys) we got them and loooooved the Hammock we got. The hammock was a last second purchase. I was reading up on camping while going through all of this crap and I found some interesting articles about it. Basically on one forum I visited it was suggested as an alternative to the air mattress (which did ok, I'll get into that later) Not sure why or how, I'll have to do more investigation on that later.

Needless to say- I bought a cheap but well rated one and really it served as a napping spot for Big more than anything else!

Little was just IN LOVE with running free the whole time. I mean, He would grab his boba and make daddy walk! He also loved all the little stones and pebles and dirt and sticks. It was little toddler boy heaven for him!


We had a day of rain, but Jimmy ran down to town for provisions so it was basically me at the site. Which segways into how I did.

I did ok.

I was surprised. I figured that I would just find a spot and sit the whole time. Which I did not have to do. Jimmy let me rest a lot- which was good. Maybe it was the altitude? I dont know. But I was able to do more that I figured I was able to. My pain was deff less (as long as I stayed in the camp site, any sort of long distance walking, just straight walking put me in horrid pain) and that was great.

I think we will do it again, a bit more prepared next time! but I think we will do it :)

Dreaming..

This just came on my Pandora- I want to go running.

This song is an amazing running song and I used to have it on repeat when I'd go.

For now I'll picture it in my head.

Tough As Nails Follow Up.

So its been about a month of using this hoofers choice stuff and I'd have to say its ok.

So first of all- its greasy- but it absorbs. But it takes a while. When I was working my hands would get so dry they would crack and bleed. Because of the constant hand washing I'd need something that would absorb quickly so I used Vaseline. Which was cheap- quick absorbing and did the trick.

This stuff takes a while to absorb into your skin. So that's my chief complaint.

other than that, I've enjoyed everything about it.. Its got a earthy smell and it keeps everything maintained in between traditional maintenance- and it cuts back the need for that.

My nails are still growing/healing from the acrylic's coming off so I cant test the nail strengthening of that until things grow out a bit more.

Things We Have Wanted To Do.

We are going to try something. My theory is that I know lots of parents who do this all on their own- with two kids- and they do O.K. So if I'm here and just resting the whole time, I'm there for them, but Husband will have to do all the work.

I've gathered all the supplies, charted the course and set the dates (as of right now we are 4 days from leaving!) Big is so excited he could squeal. Actually he has the many times we have had to redirect him away from the stuff.

I've made lists, ordered supplies off the internet and spent a month and a half assembling everything. I'm so excited to pass this tradition down to my kids- this is something my parents did with my siblings and I and I hope my kids enjoy the passion for it!

My husband and I have been talking about doing this since Big was 1 year old. His first "phrase" was "go outside". We just never had the time.

Well. Now we do- but my back. So we are going to try- we are only going a few hours away and can come back if we fail.

Camping.

Maybe I wont have to miss it this time?

Lets Talk Happy.

I know, I know. Things have been all doom and gloom over here.

They are.

I'm going to try to talk about a happy post. So I think I'll talk about a project I've started with my Big- Teaching him his letters.

When you're a parent you feel a lot of pressure for your kids to be doing awesome. Some days James wow's me with his retention. Other days, he wow's me with his sass.. and on occasion I worry that he is not smart enough for the world.

So, one day I was pinteresting about another project and I cam across homeschooling. Now I was homeschooling myself and it was a very poor experience. However it got me thinking that maybe that would be a good distraction for me to try and lay some foundations for him to learn his letters. We have flash cards for it. So why the hell not.

Man he has taken to it like a fish to water. He really loves the one on one attention that contains so much extra praise! Some days he gets a lot. Other days he cant focus. But with each run, he gets better and better and better at it!

It almost makes me think about homeschooling him. Really if I could I'd pack the kids up and go traveling and home school for a while. However I think starting him on preschool stuff is good enough for now.

I'm thinking this upcoming week (its a Sunday for me while I write this) I'm going to try and structure his day a bit more. Focus on A letter and maybe incorporate some Sesame Street or something into it when Little is still awake. I'm trying to be more consistent with their routines. I'm hoping I can start getting James to Focus and to learn.

Deep inside I want him to have my Husbands brain power and not mine. Because mine, is very feeble and scattered.

More of the same ole same ole.

I know you cant tell.. Its been a while.

In fact, I have another appointment in 2 days. This is the 'glory' of scheduling my posts in advance.

So for me, sitting here right now, its been almost 2 weeks since the case worker from hell incident. 1 week since a new one was assigned, and I have heard ZERO things from anyone. No physical therapy has been approved, nothing.

So what have I been doing?

Lots. Of. Nothing.

No extended sitting, no extended standing, no excessive lifting. Just a whole bunch of hanging around with my pain levels back up to a 6/7 after a month of them being in check.

This is where we get to the aggravating rant.

I want to avoid injections. Injections to me don't seam like a good fit for my condition which has been confirmed by a surgeon of the insurance companies choosing. WE HAD MY PAIN UNDER CONTROL FOR 4 WEEKS. And what did my medical team/insurance do? Nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing. I know what you're thinking "Insurance companies don't really care about you as a person" and I know that. But things were moving, we were working towards a solution, things were getting so. much. better. Then all of a sudden some tart comes in and fucks it all up.

Why me?

I really don't understand. I've said this so many times- when I first got hurt I thought I'd be back to work. But no, now I'm some cow sitting in my house drinking coffee attempting to stay awake (a side effect of this medication, that an this GOD AWFUL low grade headache I've had for 2 weeks) and at the verge of tears at all time because I feel like this pain is never going to go away.

We could have done something, We could have worked towards getting me back- but no. We squandered it. So now, in two days. I need to walk into that office and we need to reconfigure medications. We need someone on the ball because I'm wasting my life. I don't want to waste my life.

Mr Insurance Company- if you're reading this. Please don't waste my life. I just want to move on and get on with it. I want out from under you as much as you want me out from under you. I just want to live- please, please, please let me live.

Sunday's Back to Pain.

last week my husband braved church on his own. Aka- I skipped out and stayed home.

I forget why. Its really a blur.

Today- it was back to me wanting to die the whole sermon.

Sundays are my test- how am I doing. This week I wish I had stayed home (week before I can remember needing to stay home- I don't remember why)

I just want to be better :(

(I know, lots of whining recently)

Intense Rage.

So today has just been awful.

Last night my husband went out to hang out with friends. The new routine for this is he puts the kids to bed and then I just hang around the house alone with everyone asleep. He needs the rest and time away from me and the kids, and it gives me a queen size bed to myself.

Well last night I was doing my routine and I ended up pushing myself and going to bed early. Its been custom as of late for me to be 1000% exhausted. Like today I took a 3 hour nap and got up 2 hours ago and I'm already read for another nap. I think its a side effect of the medication I'm on.
Anyway- I went to bed early and when I got up this morning my husband was already home and had the kids up. Our living room was gross so I plopped myself down on the kids rug and started doing the toys and just picking up. It took me 4 hours to finish cleaning the living room and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. But then my fingers started going numb and I was tired and the feeling of my fingers going numb made me so stinking mad.

Like, this is the mentality of myself this afternoon: I'm not old enough for this shit, why is my body failing me, I hurt really, really bad, now my fingers are going numb and I'm going to become an old miserable lady in a wheel chair because of a stupid as fuck job.

This week I've been fantasizing with the idea of buying a camper selling all our possessions and just traveling with the kids or a few years. Make up for lost time with my boys. But right now I feel like I cant even dream about getting better because things getting so much worse (numbing hands is NOT a good thing)

I don't even know how to portray the sense of dread I have right now. Like, my life is over- and I'm useless to my kids and family. Slowly but surely my husband is becoming a single dad with me sitting here on the couch supervising and just the feeling like there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. My husband should not get stable employment because I literally cant be home with them with out doing this (numbness) obviously to my body. Like I wasn't even bending. I just sorted some fucking toys and rested frequently. Our living room is not that big- I should not hurt like this.

Fuck the world.

Here. We. Go.

I don't want to post much on the details but we had a setback. Someone who was not of the right caliber was put into my life which (to quote Thomas) has caused "confusion and delay"

I'm just going to focus more on the emotional side of it.

Its honestly like a gut punch. Its like my life is frozen again. We were getting ready to move on. Our spirits (despite our doubts) were high and we were making plans for the future. Preparing for fun with the kids this summer. We were so hopeful that PT would start to fix things, that we would be on our way.

Now its like I'm back in March/April again. God knows what is going to happen, and when, and how long it will take.

Internally I have this goal that by the one year mark I'll be better. That I'm only wasting a year on this injury. This year is just going to suck and then I'll have the rest of my life to make up for it. Now I feel like I've been sentenced to prison again. A prison of my own body.

A *happy* church post!

So my pain has been steadily been getting worse.

Joy!

But I'm still a billion times better than I was even a month ago. I can actually participate with the family (more than listening from bed) and cuddles and snuggles are easier and sleeping is still easier. So all good things (despite its continuing slacking in the pain department.)

Today we were late for church- really there were a myriad of things that went wrong and we debated right at the end if we should go or do something else as a family. We decided to go, how ridiculous is our logic. The husband and I are well religiously educated- so you don't need to pray for our souls!

Anyway- I didn't realize how fast I was walking into the sanctuary to our seats until I left The Husband behind! OOPS! I almost felt up to singing, the Catholicness of the baptist church did not make me wimpier and whine as much (well, I still fussed but that's because seriously, we sit and stand more times than one does in a catholic service!)

I was feeling pretty great!

The Big and Little did fantastic in church and really other than missing the welcome video and one song, It was a perfect day.


Then we got home- and this is where the "it was indeed to good to be true" kicks in. I ate my lunch and during lunch The Little started screeching. Like louder and higher than a soprano. He wanted his dog, and it was taking to long to cook, even though he had eaten his whole meal. So the point and scream started.

Bunny trail: Have you ever tried to reason with a one year old? If you dont have kids you dont realize that at The Littles age- just under 18 months- some of them, like Big, listen well and do on command. Others are like Little. They look at you and grin while they scream at the top of their lungs because of the attention. Dont try and ignore it, because for some reason mine just get louder.

Back to the story: Little is singing the song of his people to try and encourage his dog to cook faster. Since of course Little's logic is flawed (turn up heat to the toaster oven to cook it faster) he gets more and more aggravated and turns it up a notch. Meanwhile that feeling comes on to me. I had just finished my juicy, greasy, yummy, bacon laden cheese burger. I was licking the yummyness of off my fingers (really that is code for the french fry salt) when that feeling. Its like the whole room shakes and vibrates and darkens with each note of the aforementioned song.

I thought, in that moment, Oh its just the song Little is singing (Big had started signing back up vocals at this time- to our dismay) So I went and laid on the couch, the volume change did not help. With every note had the same reaction. I grabbed a knitted blanket and placed it on my eyes. It helped some, but the notes were still piercing.

Now, the dilemma.

Cause everything in life is not free: my medication comes with certain risks. Unlike some narcotics I cant just pop and Excedrin and be done with it. No, I had to consult my pharmacist- who was absent! So she didn't get back to me until a bit ago, after I had taken a 4 hour nap, drunk 4 cups of coffee, had a few bottles of water and almost drove a knife into my brain through my ear.

So, for such a good morning I've had such a bad afternoon. I just took another dose of my med's and things are better. I'm really hoping this does not become a common side effect.

Postpartum Depression Success!

So my Little is almost a year and a half. I have probably had depression my whole life. As a little kid I hated my life so much I would dream every night of running away. In 2001 that turned into me cutting, self harm, and suicidal thoughts until 2003 when I tried to kill myself. I have been medicated and in therapy for a long, long, long, time. Looking back me wanting to run away was really depression. I would pack my stuff up and say "tonight's the night" but never do it. I never talked about it until I was 12/13 when I started pleading with my parents for help.

Its been a long, long road.

Most days, I'm fine, I can mentally handle myself, my emotions and I can recognize the spiral. I thank therapy for that. I have periodically gone on medication when I just cant get out of it, it happens to all of us.

After the Birth of both my kids I had to go on medication. With my Big, it was for 6-8 months and I came off of it because I got better. With my little I'm a year and a half out and am just getting off of it. Actually I forgot my medication when I was away from the house and realized I didn't want to kill myself and my kids (yeah- want to talk about scary, lets talk about upping your medication twice to help things)

This last time I went on medication I was on a high, high dose. I know people who cant get off antidepressants because its so bad, they cease to function. I was taking levels like theirs because I wanted to hurt my kids.

Let me give you a frame of reference.

After I had Big and Little there was normal postpartum emotions- can I do this? am I doing it right? how long is it going to take me to screw up this child? etc. These insecurities are normal in my opinion. The crying and normal emotions of sleep deprivation- are normal to me. With my first I was a bit freaked out but I had dealt with depression before so I worked through it, wrote my thoughts down about how I was feeling etc. Its pretty dark stuff that I need to destroy or leave for my great, great, great, great grand kids. My husband and I after my first had just gone through a marriage issue so again, I thought it was normal.

Till it didn't stop. At that point (6 months old?) I sought medication. I took it for 6 months and I was fine. I got pregnant with Little and the same thing happened the only difference was off the bat I would be in the car with my kids and think about driving us into a river or tree and kill us all. Because I didn't want to damage them by killing myself so I needed to end their suffering too.

That is scary shit.

When I realized what was going on I immediately got help, and after about 3 months those feelings crept up again, I got my dose upped again.

With this injury it has made that worse, I'm not sure if that played into my depression lasting so long. However a little over 5 months ago I forgot to take my meds and the thoughts came back so strong. I honestly felt like I would never get off them.

So, today I just realized its been two whole weeks with no medication and I've had zero thoughts of self harm or to harm my kids! I'm not sure if the "hope" my new doctor gave me is helping, or maybe its because I've started to make plans for our future, maybe its because my husband has been cooking a balanced dinner every night.. I'm really not sure.

However, I'm hoping that chapter (post Little partum depression) of my life is o.v.e.r.

Hopefully we can hurry the hell up on this other less pleasant chapter!

Hobby's and Stuffs- home made skin care.

So in the spirit of the whole "hobbies" thing. I figure I'd elaborate on what and why I changed things.

You see when I was working I bought my skin care and had a routine. This routine required me to bed over my sink for about 30 min while I lotion-ed and potion-ed my face. Usually I would use makeup remover, face wash, scrub if necessary, cleanse my pores, and then apply moisturizer and go to bed. All of this required me to stand in front of the mirror while I scrubbed and rubbed everything.

With my injury this is something that I had to stop doing. There was a while that my face just went to hell because all it got was an appricot scrub in the shower and water morning, noon, and night. Really- it was neglected because you dont want to know how much I have had to scale my showers down to (the answer is a 50% or more reduction in frequency because it hurts to stand in the shower and take off and put on clothes)

So I needed to get a new system. My old system was pretty good- kept most of the zits away. I come from a long line of people with very big porous skin and really bad backne. So being in my late 20's I resign to having "eh" skin for life unless I wanted to spend big bucks on peals or something. Maybe when I hit 30?

Moisture is something I really took for granted for a long time. And then I started to get fine lines. I know I'm going to need to get more aggressive with those here soon- but for now I'll try to go after it with moister.

When you have acne, one of the causes of zits, pimples or other blemishes is bacteria. I have two boys- they L.O.V.E to touch  my face. I mean, touch it- feet, hands, head banging touching.

So moisture and bacteria fighting were my biggest challenges. I got onto pinterest and found a post about only using coconut oil here.

And golly- it has really helped my skin. It is very nerving to put oil on my face because I have such oily skin, but in one of my other posts I mentioned Jacklyn Hill and she made an offhanded comment about not trying to dry your skin out to much because it will produce more oil- when I started putting the coconut oil on my skin it really helped that.

I had the oil sitting around the house because we used it on my Big for a while because he had rash issues- NO I did not use his but oil, but we had other in the house for cooking and such.

Well that was my gateway drug into essential oils which I will talk about those later.

So I use the method mentioned before- I just put the oil on my face and then wipe it off with a hot as I can stand wet cloth. I can lay down, sit down, do other things while I just let it sit on my face (I may have my oil plastered face while I'm writing this!) and it really has helped my pores and skin balance out. Its almost as if for me, my skin takes what it needs from the oil and the hot cloth takes it all away.

To give an idea of how effective this was for me- like the other girl I tried my old routine (with drugs and wine tyvm) and I could squeeze my pores on my nose (a trouble spot) and get shit tons of.. well.. shit out of my pores. I did the coconut oil and could squeeze very little out, not even enough to say it couldn't have been moisture from my hands.  (other side of my nose, both are equally as bad so I had tons of shitty pores to work with.) So I'd call that a win.

I also found Silver Powder from Mario Badescu which again, I apply, do my thing and then take it off. After I've cleaned the hell out of my face, I use that and it shuts my pores pretty tight which helps.

So my routine went to standing over the sink for 30 min to:
Go to Mirror, Open jar, put oil all over face, rub in a little bit to ensure full coverage.
Lay in bed set timer for 10 min
Use hot cloth to blot off oil.
Put on moisturizer.
DONE.

Just as long, no standing required. I'm a genius I tell you!

I've handed some essential oil's to my face wash- to be honest I forget which ones. I can probably find a pinned post somewhere- but I want to adjust it to find something I "love" before I share. However I guess in the end that doesn't matter because everyone's skin is different... Hmm..

Treatment Plans

The first time I saw this new doctor, I was excited and nervous. The appointment started out pretty awful but ended on a hopeful note.

In case I neglected this: The current doctors thoughts is that it is inflammation and because of that inflammation I need pain management and then hopefully we can do other things to help it heal with out going under the knife.

Well we got my pain managed. Better than it was, still not 100% and I don't know if I'm growing a tolerance to my medication or what, but at first my pain was at a 2, now I'm up to a 4. Still better than the 7/8 I was at, but I'm concerned.

My doctor wanted to do injections.

Now I'm not opposed to them- because they can be helpful. Its typically a outpatient procedure and people have benefited from it. But I want to avoid them- in fact if the only purpose that it serves is to knock my pain down so we can treat the inflammation via PT- then right now is the time to do PT.

I don't think he is right the more I go along. But I'll play along for now. I think its a waste of time (we are hopping down a bunny trail) But I don't know if I'll go for injections- to me there are other less invasive ways to do the same thing.

Hobbies and Stuff.

Given the loads of time that I have had since hurting my back, I have developed new hobbies.

Before I got hurt I/we did not have much time for hobbies. Sure I played some WoW before The Little was born. Minecraft is always fun and exciting. Other than that the only real things we did was go on hikes and walks.

When Big was just over a year old I bought a jogging stroller. I had just been moved to a location closer to my home so I knew we would have more time (or thought- depends on how you look at that). Anyway- so MH and I would go for lots and lots of walks with Big for miles and miles. There was this super flat trail at home that we would walk 5 miles one way, eat a packed lunch and then walk back.

When I got pregnant with Little (Big was about 18 months) we did this about once a week on weekends and shorter walks between me getting home from work and Husband going to. I had a condition with both pregnancies that I could not continue this after birth. However, that was our thing. The summer after Little was born we bought a double jogger that has been largely unused because of my injury.

So what do you do when you were a super active person and now all of a sudden you're a potato?

Biggest thing for me is keeping my brain busy.

So I plot and plan for life after injury. What will I pick up that is new? what can I do with my kids? Vacations, etc. You Tube video's tend to take up some of my time- I've been watching a lot of Jacklyn Hill, and other artists. I've figured out how to make Almond Milk for the big- since he is allergic to milk. I've taken up essential oils, and making my own scrubs and rubs for my aches and pains. I read ALOT about my injury and perspective treatments. Doctor who, Sherlock, and of course facebook.

Some of this stuff I have mentioned before. I have projects that I want Husband to build so I can paint. I want to go out to used furniture stores and find furniture to re-do. I want to just go running.

Now I know some people have never been active runners before. I was, before kids. Then work ate my soul and that stopped. I miss it so much, and I need it right now and I just want to go for a run, just have some quiet time for me. There is not much for trails and hiking where we are now- but I do miss hiking with my kiddo's. I miss the packed lunches and just spending time together- It weird how this stole that time from us. I'm sitting here almost 8 months post injury, the doctor has high hopes for my treatment and my goal is the 1 year mark. Let this be the year that I wasted and not anymore I want to get back to life!

Hope Crushed

(This is a good moment to point out not all of these blogs are posted in order)

as you know from my last post I was filled with hope.

My hope has been crushed.

Today- I wanted to get to the "hippy dippy" store and pick up some essential oils to help my pain. (150$ laaaater), Big needed new shoes, We decided despite my back we will pitch a tent. This summer all our trips have family involved so there is support and we shelled out of a better bed for me and my back.

I was all hopefully. Almost a full week with my back in the 2/3 levels of pain maximum. We were going to get shit done.

I woke up with the wind in my sails. I was all- I've rested enough! Lets get shit done!
I'm going to bed with- Fuck me and my life and the world.

For start- I made it farther than 20 feet before I had pain. I made it 100 yards? we were picking out tents when it started. I was able to do the store- finish what we needed to do before I needed to sit. That was awesome. We went to the 2nd hand store to pick up a few extra things for our impending trip and then hit up my hippy dippy store. By the time I got into the car- I needed my husband to drive around not only for the nap but my back. I did make it through target and the mall (had to get my ring inspected)

I got the things we needed to get.

My list is complete.

My back is still much better than it usually is. However I fear it is just the pain medication.. not my back healing. The hope of no going under the knife is fading. How will bracing help if extended rest doesnt help? How will reducing the inflamation help if the rest doesnt let it reduce?

I just dont get it.. Why isnt my body listening to me. Heal!

Not much more to say on the matter.. I just feel sunk.

HOPE!

I'm not here to watch a political ad for Obama. Promise.

So after ages of waiting I finally got into see a doctor. It was scary at first- I got a drug test (woot) and we talked about my pain and my life since getting hurt.

Here is where bedside manor really helps. I honestly felt like I got pep talked that we can kick ass on this pain.

The thought is that everything is all just inflamed and if we treat that everything will be peeeeeechy! No cutting, no surgery, easy peasy back to normal. Few weeks and I will be 100%


When you start down the road of pain your thoughts go from this.

Oh, outch. I think I over did it.
Holy balls- I think I pulled a muscle.
No I did not pull a muscle.
Hi there physical therapy- that feels nice- and kind owwie but I'll be ok.
Huh- PT is over with.. why isnt it gone?
Time for a second opinion.. wait wait wait...
Second x-ray consistent...
Lets do a MRI..
Wait it out.. wait it out..
I'm still waiting.. is this ever going to end?
Waiting is so much "fun", I like to wait for everyone.... Life is hopeless..
Wait, wait, wait in a boat.. gently down Niagara Falls!
FUCK THIS SHIT- I'm done waiting. I need to see someone now.
someone help me...
OK, I'm never getting better, everyone has forgotten me..
Life is hopeless- husband get a new wife I'll just go die in a hole.
Oh look! appointment.. weeks away....
Oh look.. I've been in bed since I found out about said appointment.. I want to jump off a bridge. nobody can help me...
You nurses are insensitive ass holes...
Oh look, the doctor- he's an ass too.
DOCTOR BE MY BFF- YOU WILL HEAL MEEEEEE!!!

Well I'm still free falling off the "eeeeeeeee"

New drugs that have effectively targeted the pain..
A plan. A PLAN! and it doesnt include the phrase "you're fat, loose weight and you'll be fine"
and hope.

Hope is so medicinal. It makes all the other problems tolerable.

Hope is today.
Hope means this wont be forever.
Tomorrow is one day closer to being better.
Today builds for tomorrow.
A few more moments till its over.

Marriaging Through Pain

Is Marriaging a word?

If not I'm making one. It is the art or act of trudging through life with another soul who you made vows.

For Better or for worse? Check that.
For Ricer or Poorer- Done.
In sickness and in health- to quote scooby doo- rut roh.
Till death do us part. Whose death? his or mine.

I would say there are 5 stages of "sickness and in health" for the wife.

Oh you have a cold.
Oh, your poor toe that you slammed into that chair that has been in that same spot for 6 months and you hit it at least twice a day.
Here- take these oxycodone the doctor gave you for extracting that wisdom tooth..
Honey- will you take care of the kids and house while I lie here wishing for death? Oh wait.. thats not going to happen.


I'm in stage 5.

First night my husband was amazeballs. Yes I said it- amazeballs. He was so nice, he carted my ass to the hospital- breast pump and all. Sat with me while the lady missed my veins 3 times and then my mom volunteered to do it. Happily sat in the Walgreen's parking lot waiting for my prescription to be filled. And Joyfully worked at 4:30 am with out a wink of sleep- and 16 or so hours under his belt for the previous day.

Pretty much let me sit in a pain fulled, drug induced, hallucinogenic state in my bed dreaming about garden gnomes eating my toes. (Yeah, that was exciting)

He was supportive of my ending breast feeding because of the drugs, he was supportive of my boredom when I didn't really leave the house except for physical therapy for 3 weeks. Within a month and a half happily dumped me off on his parents to see me 2.5 months later.

Well.,. 2.5 months later I'm crying uncle in Marriaging. Its like a 5k triathlon that you haven't prepped for your entire life because you are Jaba the Hutt and your spouse is Princess Leah. Yes. I went there.

So here you are. Jaba- and your husband is Leah. And all those aliens in the party? That is life. Life is drinking and dancing and here you are slimy tongue hanging out watching with your chained up pretty.

My husband is Princess Leah Sucks of Balls.

My husband struggles with our kids. In fact he worked with me for a time because he couldn't care for both of them at the same time. He sucks at house cleaning (says the mold in my toilet and the pee smell from the other bathroom) and well.. I'm Anal Jaba the Hut and he is not as anal as me.

So when we read our vow's- it should have been "In Sickness and in 'if you dont fill my shoes I'll kill you'"

Honestly- lets give him a round of applause. I know I'm being a bit fanatical. But seriously- for a more flattering picture- Doctor who- I am Amy, he is Rory, Big and Little are the Doctor and River. You are welcome. Not a fan of the short skirts but if you're constipated Moffat will clear that right up.

I honestly feel like I'm about the throw my husband into that pit that the dancer gets tossed into (back to Starwars here!) Marriaging through pain is tough. I don't think I'll touch on this later- but I've switched medications and its treating my pain better. However now I have a doctor telling me what I can and cant do- and this includes the fact that I cant do much. In fact- in the last week I have kept my daily steps under 3K and I went out today to the mall with my husband and kids (first day out in 5 days) and I'm in pain. However its not as bad.

So really my husband now has a heap of responsibility put on him that if our lives were functioning normally, they would not be there. I could deal with the kids and my husband could be... my husband and not Me and Him.

Really. I set the bar high. Dishes done at night. Floors picked up. Kids clean and dressed for bed and for play. Diapers changed, bottoms wiped. Really- if you are a full time stay at home mom you're all "what is he bitching about" but honestly some people are just not cut out for it. My husband is one.

Sometimes (lets be serious here for a moment) I do truly worry if we will make it through this. Husband has admitted that he has a hard time imagining my pain- what its like to wake up feeling like you've been mauled by a bear and that pain not go away. Narcotics only make you feel fuzzy so you dont take them. Your brain power is 1/2 on kids, and the last 1/2 is basically consumed by your pain.

Literally. Go grab a knife out of your kitchen, stab yourself and just leave the blade in there. Every time you blink- poke it nice and hard. THAT is my life. I honestly would wish this on no one.

But here we sit- better medication- better controlled pain (after running errands all morning my pain is tops a 5! this is down from bawling in bed at night!) and my husband and I have probably reached the toughest part of our marriage. Is pain the cause? Yes and No.

If you have been married a long time you know your relationship has problems (even if it is as minor as Han's jealousy of Luke) and pain is like a huge wedge that takes the crack in your marriage and busts it wide open. I really cant say if we will survive this- or even then that worry in the back of my mind "he cant honor the sickness clause now, when I'm 20- how is he going to do it in 60 years?" and that is a god awful feeling. I cant get sick again.

I really have no good way to end this. I dont think I could make a joke about what has happened. My husband and I do the best we can, but at the end of the treatment will it be enough?

Hell (you truly don't know till you cry.)

I think "Hell" sums up this week.

First, I was sent off to my mother in laws because my wonderful family left me! So off I go- back into un-childproofed realms. Then someone close to my in-laws passed away, that night to get us away we went to DQ and then to a park to let the boys run around. They really really like parks.

Then comes the end of the day. We are all getting snug in our beds- I on my phone my husband watching TV with the in-laws when our Big pukes all over the bed. Oh Great. Here I sit thinking we had a stomach virus when in all reality its probably food poisoning. You see- my Little had a vomiting episode a few days earlier. However, the Little also popped in some new teeth.


So we get everyone cleaned up, put a bowl by the bed and I get to hardly sleep all night because every sigh and I'm wide away afraid he's going to puke again. My Big was so pathetic- literally I dont think he was awake for most of it. When morning comes he doesn't feel well but has stopped throwing up, he also has no appetite.

Well that's when I get a stomach ache. Any parent knows when your kid gets sick- you're basically guaranteed a go at it too. I manage to only just have the stomach ache because I didn't eat anything. by 5 pm the Husband has the stomach ache- and by 9pm/10 he's bowing to the porcelain god too.

I was determined by hell or high water to be home Friday evening. So, I piled everyone in the car and drove as fast as I could home. Myself still with decreased appetite, Husband was feeling better and the kids were just cranky. Well, lo and behold everyone (minus the little) has had "intestinal distress" for days now. At going on a week we gave the Little some Pedialite and little did we know- you should not give the advance care to milk sensitive kids. So more vomit for us (yay!)

On top of the intestinal distress, my little came down with a cold and shared with his brother. So here I sit. 1 am, waiting for my husband to make the Big some nuggets (because he was not hungry for dinner and did not eat his lunch) Coughing like no other. There is no sleep for the wicked.

When Jimmy called me because the Little was vomiting I just about cried. A week of vomit and poop. A week of egg gas and farting and just god awful smells of this probable food poisoning. Today, I'm at my wits end. Both kids are clingy and crabby and I can only take so much before I'm literally going insane. Lucky for us it was just a side effect of us trying to hydrate the kids, but still.

I'm over colds.
I'm over poop.
I'm over vomit.
I'm over clingy kids.

O.V.E.R.

Things I Have Missed Today.

Today it came in the mail.

I heard the knock on the door.

They put it together.

I listen as they try to contain his excitement.

They threw away the box.

He did not help, he wanted to stay with his new thing.

My Big smiled.

I can hear him smile from my bed- with my new bed table.

"yaaaaaaaay" he cheers

My heart begins to break.

"I want it, I want it" he cries happily.

I can close my eyes and see the joy and excitement on his face.

They take him outside.

I can hear them now out the window.

They help him, they teach him.

I just missed my son on his very first bike. Thomas the Train bike.

I will never get this moment back.

I sit here, in my bed, missing this moment.

I cry into my tissue.

Things I Do In My "Spare" Time - Tough as Nails.

I have a lot of time on my hands these days. I mean what else am I going to do sitting in bed all day on pillows trying not to move. I pinterest, blog (of course), facebook, read the news, research treatments for my spine, research non-doctor office types of helps for my spine, watch youtube video's and chat with my friends.

So today- despite being in excruciating amounts of pain, I went out with my kids. My Big was really fussy and clingy and really just wanted me around. So I sucked it up- popped a prescription strength painkiller and went. Someone else ran into Ulta to return the Sally Hanson gel nail polish that I got- it sucked, blew, was awful, would not harden no matter what I did.
I read a blog where they said to keep your nails in sunlight and it would help- 30 min of sunlight for nothing. They were STILL soft 2 hours later.

So I went home, filed down the acrylic's put some nail glue down on my nails (to flatten the surface) and then painted my nails. I just used what I had available. I used to get acrylics and fills when I lived here before. With all the pain I'm in I either hurt to much on the days I have someone to take me (yeah, I dont drive unless I have to anymore) or the day's I'm feeling good- I have nobody to take me.

Such is life.

So I'm going to try an experiment with this new product I got- its called Hoofers Choice- its used by horse trainers to strengthen and condition horses hooves. It supposedly helps to nourish cuticles and nails.

I figure, for the last two months my nails have been falling to bits- might as well try. I'm going to use the nail cream on my left hand only and watch the results. I'll post updates in the future.

Mommy Down

I remember the days when I could be independent. I could rear my kids and do projects all in the same day. Cleaning a 2000 sq foot house was nothing. Dishes, laundry, sweeping and catch with my Big and Little.

Now?

I'm in bed- watching an episode of Dr Who by myself while my kids are out with others. I was up last night because my Little vomited in bed 5 times last night and he needed a hug. I got on the floor to hug him and the pain was so intense that I got that cold feeling and felt so sick. I went to the bathroom and composed myself and went back to bed.

I've kind of been here ever since. Emotionally I feel defeated. 6 months ago I could hold my Little. I could crouch down and hug my Big. I could be a wife to my husband and I could manage the kids. Now.. now I'm a potato. I cant do anything. I can sit still propped up by pillows. I feel like my entire 26th year of life is a waste.

I am blessed to have done so much and had the life experiences I had in college and beyond. I have done and dealt with a lot. I know I need to stay positive that I will walk again. But some days in my inability to do things I just want to die. This is (of course) a secondary effect to long term pain. Many who suffer with long term pain succumb to feelings of hopelessness and depression. I mean- being in the middle of it, God knows its easy. My entire life has been full of activity and challenges this is just one of them.

So sitting here I set lofty goals for myself. I need to make it to my appointment next week.
In 1 year (next spring) I want to be pain free. And begin walking again.
in 18 months I want to begin running.
in 2 years I want to do a marathon or something of the like.
in 3 years (2018) I want to be back to my pre pregnancy weight, I want to be ready to start trying for our next child.

I want this moment- this challenge in my life to be a blip. A small part of my story. Something that I gloss over in conversation with people. Something that is not what my life is all about.

I will be able to pick up my kids some day. I will be able to walk, and run some day. I wont be confined to this bed forever.

Milk

Back over the winter my little got a rash. He was 10 months old. the rash continued for about a month. I never thought of his milk intake until I moved him away from my mother in law. My thoughts were he had sensitive skin, or maybe a yeast infection (both issues I had with his brother)

But soon after cutting out milk and milk based formula (both he had yet to have problems with his entire life) and pure milk, his bottom healed. So then I reintroduced one cup of cows milk- and not even 24 hours later... it was back!

Now I want to take a side note I went to see a local pediatrician where I live now and he was all "its basically impossible for a kid to develop a allergy that fast" and then I called my pedi from my old home- a pedi that I trust unconditionally- and the PA said that "its rare, but it can happen" I just want to throw this out there that I guess there are some pediatricians who think that you can consume breast milk with milk proteins and then drink milk based formula and can never develop a milk allergy.

That being said that as a child I also had a milk allergy- it went away my mid teens. I'd get super sick drinking milk and thus would vomit or have a stomach ache. I drank goats milk as a kid (my mom had goats so it was an easy supply) and never had a problem. We gave my little goats milk and we have the same rash.


So. I was couponing to try and save money- because you know.. I guess now I have time for that. So now I have to reevaluate our money saving tasks. The thing that gets me beyond the couponing is the fact that I really want to get my kids away from the chemicals we use. Its like my ultimate goal. So I've been looking into ways to cut costs that are a bit more "natural" and Little friendly.

So far we have started making our own baking mixes. You would not believe how much stuff has milk in it. So we will be making our own "cream of" whatever soups, muffin mix, pancake mix, etc. Anything we can substitute cow milk for almond milk we will. If we cant than we just wont have it in the house- to reduce confusion.

My husband has had a bit of mourning for the Littles milk allergy, but I think he will be ok.

Tick This Off My List

Hello- I'm 26.5 years old and use a grabber stick.

I promise I'm not lazy, I've been trouble shooting this problem for a long time. However the pain won this battle of my mobility.

Sure, I could blame it on being short, but that's not the problem. I am rather short... and why yes it is handy for those things. Reaching tall things hurts just as much as bending down to pick things up off the floor.

I've been avoiding this purchase because I feel like this is something I need when I'm 60/70 years old. Not 26. I knew the time was coming when I dropped my cellphone on the floor in the car and actually cried at the thought of picking it up. I knew the day that I stopped actively lifting my little- it was coming. I knew the days were numbered when I realized I cant be alone with the kids anymore.

The plus side to this is I have learned the things that grabbers can, and cant pick up. It can pick up my Dr Who books easily. My Natural healing book... not so much! It can do toys, but bits of paper need the vacuum (Which my mom broke today, sigh!)

It hurts to drop it on my toes. It is least useful on my dresser or armorer and is used most when on my end stand. CD's are rough to try and pick up, same for DVD's- my Little has this fascination with un-stacking and throwing these things on the floor. Meanwhile my big likes to run off with it, so often its on my armorer.

Laundry was a breeze because someone brought me the laundry basket and I used my grabbers to pick up the clothes. I folded the small stuff and could use it to pile things up. I had to have help with our queen sheets- but that's ok.

Really- its not so bad. I at least have this tool for when I DO get old- and I will. I will eventually have this problem fixed and it will go away. I will get better and I wont use this forever.

And at least I didn't have to buy Depends.

Church Woes

Church.

If you cant tell by the weekly posts about it its a big part of my life.

Today I did ok. I'm not going to lie- emotionally it was harder than physically. Don't take this as my pain wasn't bad- but I would endure my entire spine shattering for my children. And when they are distressed- it distresses me. And pain cant take away from that distress.

This is why my family knows that it is important to stay one step ahead of me- because if they don't I will give up my "spoons" for my kids with out thinking. Its intuition. I try so hard to hold back- but it truly is hard. I literally need someone to say "Stop, I got this" or I'm going to do it.

For some reason my Big has been having a BIG problem being left at Sunday School. Like total freak out, needs his blankie type of problem. I have no idea what is causing it. I asked the teachers and they said they cant think of anything other than maybe having to switch around rooms because of staff shortages could be screwing up my Bigs routines.

Things I Do With My Kids

For those who know me they know that I do truly enjoy Dr Who. So in my bedridden-ness today I started watching Dr Who in bed.

Well- the boys came home with Nana and Grandma and well Big and Little joined me. Its now 9pm and I'm explaining to my Big what the Tardis is and why its a blue box. Big is so fascinated. He likes the pepper pot (Dalek) and loved the aliens.

I've fostered many of his "habits" - Thomas the Train- which I could do with my Big. But now my back is so bad even sitting on the floor and arranging the tracks is to much.

So here we sit- watching Dr Who. Specifically the 9th!

I'm so excited I found something we can watch together!

Another thing we have started doing is reading. Recently I read this really interesting article that explains that kids don't have the ability to "block out" information like we can. So when you read the same book over and over again- there is less new information and more word retention. This has really helped with my frustration with reading Baa Baa Black Sheep with the Big 5 BILLION times.

Accepting Help

The Calvary is here.

I have help, the most humbling experience is to try and sit and just watch, to relax, to not NEED to get up because people think you are faking. To be with people who have seen your x-ray's and MRI's and understand physiologically what is going on with your back. To be with people who don't get angry with you when you do things but instead be a constant encouragement that it is OK to ask for help, it is OK to let go.

I only get this treatment for two weeks- then everyone must leave. I'm hoping that we will be closer to a fix for my issues before that happens. Lucky for me I have a mobile and supportive family who even down to my brother will sacrifice to help me in my time of need- and I them.

And the kids are THRIVING- truly living again. They are getting better nutrition (because people have the ability to prep) they are getting more than the recommended daily exercise that is recommended for their age. They have routine, they have visitors, they are playing. It is amazing to see that transformation in 2 days.

When I am alone I have a hard time keeping them safe- toys picked up, keeping things out of their reach. I can hardly care for their basic needs and my own. It becomes "I can do for them or myself but I cant do both". We spend days inside- they get barely 10 min of fresh air. My TV is always on- I just need something to keep them off me. There is lots of cuddle time- but not a lot of running. The kids dont make it out of their PJ's and they don't get baths no matter how dirty they get.

Now I'm considering buying Big a bike- because there is someone else to teach Big. Litle naps a billion times better!

Having help is truly better. I'm very blessed.

I did it, I'm doing it, I'm almost done.

I made it through church. I was frigidity but I did it!

I almost thought I wasn't going to be able to make it. I had to lay down after getting up because I was in so much pain. I declined going back to my in laws- I honestly don't think I could deal with my father in law right now. Instead some of my family are coming to visit and help with the kids. I guess the act of grace from my husband made him forget to take out all the trash before he left- but ce la vie?

The Big and I are now sitting in bed watching Vegimals Christmas. I'm trying to prepare for how we are going to go to our old house so we can do the signing. My Big is trying to get up under me. I feel like such a bitch telling him to stay on his pillow and not cuddle. Its so counter intuitive as a parent to tell him to get off me. I have to remind myself if I sacrifice my body now by letting him be all up on me than I will make things worse for both of us in the long run.

I've had increased constant pain for about 2 weeks now. I'm honestly not sure why. At first I thought it was the weather but that has proved wrong. With the clearing weather I thought things would get better but they have not. I now have pain into my hips. Like deep pain in my hips- am I moving wrong when walking? I'm not really sure what is causing it. However I know that my mobility is decreasing. We once could park at the far edge of church and I would be able to walk across the parking lot before I would feel fatigued at check in. Now Jimmy has to drop me off at the door and I'm still fatigued at check in.

Ugh. Another ding to mobility.

We are looking into investing for claws because if things fall on the floor I'm really, really screwed. I'm putting this one off because I have two small children in the house and I can foresee them taking them and leaving them on the floor- thus screwing me over.

Today I end mixed because I'm starting to see the alterations to my house I need. A stool to do my makeup, grabbers, drop off's etc. How long will this continue before I get the adequate help I need?

Saturday Morning Pain 101

There are about 5 billion things I could be doing this morning. What am I doing?

Train spotting! 

And no, we are not talking about drugs. My oldest, loves trains. Thomas the Train,  chuggington and YouTube trains by fellow formers. My husband and I have not hindered this "passion" of my sons. We live near a freight company's yard. There are over 20 trains that go by in a day that we are less than 5 min from the tracks. 

This hobby allows me to sit stationary and occupied my big's time. He enjoys watching the train go by and I can always get him into the car with bribes of trains. I fear my youngest is following suit in the train obsession. 

As I sit here writing this- he is watching a train. It's literally just sitting there but he is enthralled. Excited by its presence. 

Giving him these memories makes me feel like a better mom. It's something www can do together and it only costs me gas. 

I'm probably at a pain level of a 8 still but- I'm always in pain and this is a low impact activity. We've been looking up train trips and our goal (when I'm better) is to do a train vacation. 

I think being in pain has taught me as a parent to find and nourish the activities that I can do with my kids- and put off other activities. I worry that I'm not getting my kids active enough- but we as a family make an effort to get them to run around outside. 

I really fear for the day that he moves on from trains or picks something that involves more walking and moving. Right now I just don't think I could keep up. 

It's the Little Things.

It really is.

Tonight my husband got my Big to bed. He read him a train book, and they fell asleep together in my room. I went to wake my husband up so he could move into the room with the little and he saw I was getting ready to get a shower.

He drained the tub for me (which he forgot for the kids bath!) and plucked out all the toys. 

For a normal person this would not be an act of kindness. This would be expected. But the fact that he took the time to do this- half asleep meant the world to me. 

This week we are looking into buying those grabbers for me in the house. Ugh. Tick one off my pride. 

Sorry for the short post. I'm going to go revel in the little thing that really warmed my heart so much. 

Failure, Family, and Hope

You have to understand me. I am stubborn and fiercely independent. Even when I broke my arm in high school I let my mom wash my hair once- after that I learned how to do it all myself. I have a hard time asking for help.

So it comes to this.

My husband has been working out of town with my in laws. Because I can hardly care for the boys we all went down as a family and my in laws have (for the most part) enjoyed the boys. I've had help and they live on a fenced farm so the kids can free rein while I watch from a chair on the porch or a recliner by the window.

I assume my Husbands dad thinks I'm full of shit about my pain. He starts (in a huff) helping clean up from supper as my mother in law sweeps from where the boys were eating. I don't help with the cooking or clean up. For the past few days I have been going straight to bed after dinner and the Husband has been doing bedtime. I get up if my Big needs a few rounds of Three Blind Mice or a kiss but that's about it. After supper I'm sometimes just that done. In his huff of throwing stuff away that my husband put in the wrong spot he asks me if I "want to help clean some  of this shit up"

My mother in law (bless her) thought he was talking to her- no it was me. This is another episode of "understand the cripple" I was getting my son some bedtime milk and I ignored it- corrected her that he was talking to me and went straight to my husband and told him. My mother in law apologized to my husband and myself. I was not mad at her- I'm upset at him.

If I was less of a person I would have snapped back with "I would love to help- but I'm out of Spoons today"

I told my husband I wont be coming back this week. He wasn't suppose to be either- but my father in laws best and most reliable worker is seriously ill- my husband loves his step dad and that farm so he is going back. So I texted my mother and my old nanny (who is like a second mom to me) and asked if I paid for the ticket down would she come. And they are. in 4 days they will be here.

I'm pretty sure I've got some of the best family ever- they could probably take my boys to hooters and I would not care right now. Because they (unlike the father in law) have seen my images. They were there when I first got hurt. They also know I don't ask for help lightly.

Calvary is here.

Church Interrupted.

Church has become my measure of my week. Its soothing to sit for an hour doing nothing. The kids have fun in their classes and I only have to listen (and check the board for my kids numbers- but so far they have behaved!)

This last Sunday was a war.

The day started and I didn't move out of bed. I had a slight ache but I know the second I attempted to move it would start. My Husband let me sleep in- which was nice. Eventually he came up and my Big was with him- he put the Little down for a nap and I got up to try and put on clothes. I bought myself this cute maxi dress and I wanted to wear it. Now where is my strapless bra?

No idea, I hardly have my feet on the floor and I'm already feeling like I need a cane. I hold onto anything I can get my hands on while I start my search. My husband offers to let me stay home and he will take the boys to church. I decline- I strive to keep my independence and Church is not like a trip to the park.

Within 10 min the pain is unbearable and I have to lay back down. My big comes over (because my husband is in the shower) and says to me "Mommy get up- we have to get ready for church" I assure him I know I just need a rest- he persists "Mommy get up!" I proceed to attempt to distract him with a toy or a task. It works- he runs off.

I lay in bed- should I go? Yes- I need to. I'll bring the strong stuff and if I need to I'll take it. I do another brief search and abandon hope for the dress. I pick out a pair of jeans and a nice shirt and Cammi. Husband dresses the children. They look decent- I don't really care since I'm still battling to stay upright. I take 3 over the counter pain pills as we head out the door for our routine.

We stop for breakfast- it takes a half hour to get to church. On the way there I pop a Tramadol since the other stuff didn't do a thing (not that I expected it to). I hold the walls as we go in, my husband drops me off at the door with the Big. He stays by my side- I really think he knows what is going on. We get in, and seated after a chaotic drop off and then begins the up and down's.

I comment to a family member that I feel like we stand and sit more than one does in a catholic service. Most weeks I don't mind. I'm usually slow and the movement eases my back. I do most of the service frigged as I'm afraid if I move it will trigger pain. This time its worse. when the preacher starts preaching I take another Tramadol and am in tears the whole service from pain.

Is this how church is going to be from now on? I'm afraid to go back. Post- incident even as I write this no amount of prescription or over the counter pain medication is touching my pain. Is church over for me? How can I possibly hope to care for my children wholly if I cant even make it to church. I'll continue to go for as long as I can- but how long will that be?

Blogging Effects.

I started this blog at the idea of a good friend. Usually we talk about trains, our kids, husbands etc. but one day I complained that there were no resources for parents who suffer from long term or chronic pain. She encouraged me to write stuff down so that in the end maybe I can help people.

I'm going to have to discover the writer in me. I'm not always good at it and my thoughts get jumbled quickly. Please bear with me!

However- as I sit here I notice what pain has done to me. Since as early as I can remember I have sat on the floor cross legged. Never had an issue. As I sit here (in pain!) with my legs crossed they keep going numb. It's pretty painful in itself. Blogging thus becomes an issue. Sleeping is an actual issue as I think about it. My arms do the same things at night.

I suspect its because of the weight gain. If I read the weight from my last apt's notes right I've gained between 20-30 lbs since getting hurt. I'm not active anymore- in fact if I was told that I need to lay in bed all day to let everything heal- I would drive myself to insanity trying to make my body heal. However a medical professional told me to keep moving- so move I do only because I trust those who know more about me than I do.

The pro's to this is it gives me something to do late at night when I'm usually bored out of my mind laying in bed. I'm installing the blogger app and I will successfully blog from my phone!

I need connection and a place to dump my never ending thoughts on what is going on with me. My husband (as previously mentioned) is not all that happy with my condition. He has a hard time understanding a never ending pain. Today I had the misfortune of feeling like my spine was just going to snap and I was going to fall over. I TOTALLY understand that this physically cant happen- but the feeling had me freaked out most of the day- and he doesn't get that.

So her I'm dumpity dumping and there goes the feeling in my left foot again.

To My Husband

Dear Husband, 

 

In the almost 7 years we have been together we have seen a lot. Before we were even married we dealt with the death of a parent, then we got married, we sold property, we dealt with job loss, moved cross country, and then we dealt with our own marriage mistakes. In marriage counseling once we were told we "have done in our first year of marriage what most deal with over 10 years". We have been through a lot. 

 

Somedays divorce does cross my mind- its frustrating being in a relationship with you. We have been married almost 6 years and some days I feel like you just don't love me anymore. We have two kids and I'm fairly confident they are the glue that keeps us going even though we are having a hard time. 

 

I'm sorry that this happened to me. Statistics show that we are more likely to have problems because I am sick. I'm sorry that I have left you to meet the physical needs of our kids while I lay in bed wishing and praying for healing or death. I'm sorry that when I'm in pain I lash out- really I'm like a wounded puppy- and I'm sorry you have to pick up where I cant do anymore. I wish I could be different and I wish I could change the day that changed my life. I'm not a time lord, there is no T.A.R.D.I.S to take me back so I can stop myself. 

 

Its honestly not fair. This was not suppose to happen. You, having a broken late 20's wife. I feel some days like I'm wasting and will waste this year away. I have told you I had goals before this happened. I was suppose to spend Nov and Dec walking, and pick up running in Jan, and by April be looking for a short marathon to run in the fall. I wanted to loose the 50lbs of baby weight I've put on since we've got married. I wanted to be a mom to our kids, and your wife. I wanted to plant a veggie garden and spend the summer teaching our Big about weeding and growing things in the dirt. I wanted to take Big and Little to playgroups, museums, parks, and road trips. I wanted to go camping and bike riding. I wanted them to love animals and their care. 

 

This isnt happening. This is not where I saw us.. You working, me home with the kids. Cooking dinner when you get home. Craft projects for the kids and me. Learning canning and preserving. It never happened. And I'm sorry you're left with an angry, depressed and wounded wife. I'm not much fun anymore, I really get that. 

 

Its hard to let go of parenting when your spouse is so different from you. I have patience but you have structure. I worry about my kids growing up with out knowing that they are truly and unconditionally loved. I worry about them growing up to be good people. Now- I'm faced with leaving that task to you in a certain sense. It scares the shit out of me. I'm not the type to give up control- I micromanage to much. I hate asking for help because I feel like people cant help me the way i want. 

 

I get that you are frustrated with my stubbornness. I'm sorry. But please know with out those kids I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. I wouldn't do much at all. I know I was told to keep moving- but moving hurts so much. If it was not for our Big and Little's bright smiles and love I dont think I would get out of the house even. Those two truly keep me going. 

 

I guess all of this is to say- I get it. I just wish you understood me more right now. This process is painful, this process is humiliating and humbling. Please be patient with me. Please don't leave me because I'm hurting. Please don't stop loving me because of this injury. Because in the end- I do really need you right now. I know I'm awful at saying it. And I should probably tell you- but I can't.

Bear with me dear. Please. 

Go Home, You're Disabled

 I recently asked a group of friends some advice. They knew my situation and I was trying to weigh a cost vs value of a tent VS camper. I cant set up a tent or camper. My husband would have to do it. However, its comfort.

My back will be killing me on an air mattress. Is the cost worth the value. Someone- an acquaintance we will call them said to me: "You're overlooking not going. Sounds like a terrible idea with medical costs coming up and your husband jobless." I called her out on it and she responded that " You asked for advice. If my husband and I weren't working, we wouldn't have money for a tent or camper. Sorry you're offended."

While my finances are nobody's business except mine, my husbands and our banks. But its the idea- Go home, you're broken, Don't come out, don't spend time with your kids or help them create memories. Don't participate in life. Sit at home and wait until you can get out of pain.

All I can think of is do we say this to pregnant women who have kids? You're pregnant- go home and don't come out until your baby is 6 months old. Do we say this to the elderly- you're to old to go out? Your Arthritis is to bad- don't go for a walk?

As a parent- in pain- I cant just stay home in bed. That would emotionally be bad for my kids. It would be bad for me. Already I want to hide in my closet at the thought of going out- it brings me so much anxiety. Questions arise- can I make this trip? how long can I last today before I want to curl up on the floor? Am I to young for the motorized cart?

Parenting is such a competition that when you are in constant pain you feel so bad for yourself as a parent and for your kids that they "lucked out" with you. Could my pain make them more empathetic? I'm not sure. How is it going to affect them? I dont know. I know already my little has a big attachment to his daddy. My husband and I are talking about enrolling him in daycare because I cant keep up. My oldest is always telling me to get up- to do something with him. I just dont know how to explain to a 3 year old- mommy wants to get up, mommy wants to help you go potty, mommy wants to dress you (so you match) and mommy wants to take you for a walk to the park or library so we can get some of your never ending energy out.

For now we just tell him mommy has a booboo in her back and she cant do something right now. And my husband does it for him. What happens later on? I wish so much there were more resources. more help for parents in my position. I want my kids to grow up mentally sound as well as feeling secure. I can handle the insecurities of adults trying to hand me my 28 lb little.

I try to deal with my disability in a dignified manner. But my children are not equipped and I need to equip them fast as I stumble into more pain- and more failures as a mother. 

A Day of Coping

Today I'm not at my house.

My sweet child proofed house that has no real yard and is really a townhouse apartment. Constant supervision of the children is needed when they are outside, it's taxing. After about 10 min I'm done. My kids hate being cooped up inside watching tv so inside is no better. 

A week ago I "sold" my husband back to his parents. Not really. Being around the house with no real job other than me and the kids was driving him into driving me mad. 

The first week of him being 3 hours away (it was only 4 days) almost killed me. Then my son had a heart wrenching and painful moment that caused me to move to fast- I felt like I was hit by a car. 

Therefore here I am. My kids can free range (we are at farm) and I can sit on the porch and only need to get up to kiss booboo's. I can redirect the kids in the yard by yelling. Meanwhile like a lifeguard at a pool I watch my kids play with trucks and sticks and sand. I drink coffee and just watch. 

This is madness. I want to teach my 3 year old to climb the latter to the playhouse and the adventures he can have up there! I want to push my youngest on a trike! I want to go for walks and chase them. 

I want to use my double jogging stroller (which is sadly covered in pollen) Going through my day I realize how I cope. Every morning I wake up greeted by pain. A 6/7 on the doctors pain scale. By Tylenol time it's a 5/6 and after that if I keep up with the drugs I'm a 3 or 4. 

First up- pee. I'm in so much pain trying to sit that this is long process. I pull myself up by the sink. And stumble around to flush. I lean into the sink to wash my hands. Focusing on the soap on my hands. Trying to ignore the feeling of someone stabbing my back. Least I forget to lock the door I will have 1-2 children watching me. When the kids watch I have to be extra careful to not show weakness or pain. It makes them extra clingy and that will cost me by the end of the day. 

Before breakfast I make myself coffee- denying my kids immediate need for milk or water. If I'm thinking the night before I'll prep it. My husband or mother in law saw my struggle and got the milk while I took 3 extra strength Tylenol. I drink my coffee and scroll through Facebook and chit chat with friends on messenger. Anything to get my mind off the knives in my back. 

When my Tylenol kicks in I try and move. If I'm alone it's making pancakes (homemade mix and water- easy peasy) I huddle over the table supervising the starving children hoping and praying they don't ask me to get up. 

I nibble on some food- the Tylenol has already made me feel ill. The it's play time. I try and set them up so I move as little as possible. I get my coffee and phone and pick a spot. I supervise, I find a comfortable position and then I'm in pain. Ok, adjust, and 5 more min I need to move again. Usually a simple but wiggle will fix it but sometimes that act makes me want to cry. My pain is dull and soft. Tylenol makes it bearable but it never goes away. It's the sharp I'm trying to keep away. 

The kids come to me for kisses for their wounds unless they are stuck or bleeding. I use my feet to unstick feet from holes and try not to bend. Bending causes more pain than squatting- but squatting I have less balance which leads to falling- more pain that way. 

Nap time for the little comes- I make him crawl his own steps. Change him and put him in his crib or pack and play. I sits there and whines at me as I get his comfort items. If they are on the floor I cringe. Fucking gravity. I try not to lean over the crib. He usually will lay down on his own so I can tuck him in. A gentle stroke of his face I tell him I love him and I walk out. 

Time for pain medication. 

Depending on the day it might be a muscle relaxer or good old Tramadol. Other days it's Tylenol and wine. I use my meds sparingly right now. I'm waiting on a spine specialist referral. 

For the next hour I get my big focused on lunch, and nap. Nap time is rest time for me. My big falls asleep before I can even get comfortable. He's used to me moving a lot. Moving is a catch 22. It hurts to do it and if I don't I hurt more. Some days I get stuck in bed. Unable to move my body in a way to get up. Last week my big had to push me so I could get out of my bed. By the time I'm almost asleep little is awake. Diaper and play time in his room till the big is awake. We do not want to climb the stairs to much. My little does not understand. 

Sometimes he pushes me and it makes me ache so much. He is faster than me, I can't catch up to his fullest speeds. They are both up. Try and get them outside. Try to not die (or feel like dying) they are moving to fast, going to far if I'm home. Here at the farm they often try to run to the shop. Today they played. My mother in law pushed Ethan and did his diaper. To her horror I don't put shoes on the Big. It hurts. Picking up the little hurts too. 

I try and direct them to the TV once their dad is home to give him a break. The rest of the day falls on him. It's not fair. 

I should not be done for the day. Dinner, baths, bed, smores, etc? It should not cost me and it should not fall all on my husband. He questions me on my pain- it's high. I start my prescriptions. I haven't drunk enough water today so I forego the wine in the fridge. I try a shower instead. It helps nothing. 

So here I am. Awake. How many short cuts did I take? I evaluate my day. My kids are snug in their beds sleeping. That's great. They played outside- that is fantastic. They ate good meals- feeling better I was an absent mom- bad, I feel awful. 

They saw me in pain and my big asked me why I was walking funny- not good. I spent 10 min with my little - mom fail.